That Was Then,This Is Now
SERIES THREE Show Six - Broadcast 17th January 2008
Welcome to the final episode of the series, but don't cry - nothing can go on to infinity - even the universe.
But.... if the universe has a finite end, what comes after that? and after that? and after that? It must carry on, it can't - but it must. But it can't - but it must.....
Wow, Rich has just blown his own mind. Still, at least something got blown this series.
And here's Christian Reilly & The King Zog of Albania singing a sting about how crap the series has been.
Rich is quick to point out that Matthew Wright thinks the show is "quite good" and Matthew Wright's seal of approval is a badge of mediocrity if nothing else.
Not content to leave it there, Rich boasts about being a father to Emma Kennedy's baby - without any kind of physical contact - that's how fecund he is, he just needs to look at a woman to impregnate her.
Christian tries to tell Rich that the child is not his,
but Rich shouts him down.
Anyway, Rich doesn't have time for this, he has to do his job - which is to satirise events of this week to the slight approval of Matthew Wright - so, this week's events?
Well, on the 15th Jan 1559, Elizabeth 1st was crowned Queen of England, who apparently died aged 69, still a virgin,
Historians will tell you that the cult of virginity was created by Elizabeth herself, but surely no one can be proud to be a old, old virgin?
Here's what reeeeeaaaaaally happened, told through a sketch featuring Raleigh, Bacon & Drake & "Queen Elizabeth - the sexually experienced queen"
Back to the studio, it's time for Christian Reilly & The King Zog of Albania. Christian tells us that this week in 1920 - Prohibition was brought into force in the USA, and prompts their song for the week; "America Goes To An AA Meeting". Following the song, Christian is trying to tell Rich something again, but he doesn't want to know - he'd rather get on with the show, and the events of this week in History:
13th Jan 2004 - Harold Shipman committed suicide in his cell just one day before his 58th birthday.
And on the 17th Jan 1983, breakfast TV started, with it's first show being presented by Selina Scott & Frank Bough. Bough would later find himself sacked after a sex & drugs scandal, proving that too many cokes spoil the Bough.
And on 15th Jan 2001, Wikipedia went on line for the first time, which - if nothing else - has proved to be an invaluable tool for writing history based sketch shows.
In fact, according to Wikipedia (at least at the time of broadcast), Osama Bin Laden also died on this date in 1953 - and maybe this explains why the Wily terrorist is so hard to catch? He's actually a time traveler who goes & hides in the past after every atrocity he commits - like an evil version of Quantum Leap. Although it is irresponsible for Wikipedia to list the date of his death, as Bin Laden may stumble upon it & then make every precaution to avoid the date, thus making him immortal.
Of course, Rich giving out the date on national radio doesn't help...
Getting back to the matter of this week in history, we learn that in 1898, Lewis Carroll died.
According to a 1996 book, by Richard Wallace - Carroll was also Jack The Ripper...
That's Wallaces' claim - which he makes using anagrams out of Carroll's work.It's definitely a bold claim, so let's dig a little deeper with a TWTTIN Special Investigation.
Once that's cleared up, attention is turned to Ivan The Terrible, who was crowned the first Czar of Russia on January 16th 1547, and we're treated to a sketch on the subject before returning to Rich who tells us that in 1892 - Peachy Hoop Toss was invented, but was quickly discarded when Basketball was also invented & deemed to be the better game.
To commemorate this - Colin Ockshot - captain of the British Basketball team is here.
But he's quite abnormally small, about the size of a hobbit in fact.
Apparently being tall as a benefit for basketball is something of a myth.
Colin & his team are all under 5ft and believe that being a tall basketball player is tantamount to cheating.
TVs Emma Kennedy, the narrator of "Animals Do The Craziest Things" is back.
There was a duck who was best friends with a pig in that show. That's pretty crazy
She seems surprised to be involved with the show this week, given that she is heavily pregnant, but - in the light of her recent pregnancy - Rich wanted to apologise to her for previous indiscretions.
It's at this point that Emma comes clean & admits that Christian is the true father of her unborn child.
Not only that, but she is leaving to take over Richard & Judy's TV show and taking everyone on the show with her, rendering RKH friendless and alone.
Twisting the knife further, she announces that she's had his "gametes" tested - and he is infertile, incapable of ever fathering a child - and he will die alone.
Everyone leaves. Rich stands alone & dejected when suddenly a time machine arrives and Osama Bin Laden steps out.
Turns out Wikipedia was right all along, he did die in 1953 and has been carrying out his atrocities via the medium of time travel since.
He is now King of the world, having changed the course of western history - and it's all thanks to Rich bringing this to his attention by announcing the anomaly on the radio.
Of course, this also means that the last 3 series of this show were entirely redundant as Osama has changed all the events of history - making the events reported nonexistent.
Rich allows Osama the opportunity to read the credits whilst he plays the bed music underneath them.
But - as Osama reads them Rich realises that they are trapped inside a paradox - if Osama's changed the course of history and these shows never existed, he wouldn't have got the idea from Rich to change history - this paradox quickly implodes - marking the end of TWTTIN.