Stew & Rich start the show with the terrible news that Michael Jackson is back in town, and, talking of people who've got away with very serious crimes - Rich refers to the documentary that was on in the week about the diaries of Jack the Ripper. Rich is convinced that the diaries are genuine. His basis for that decision? The first fifty pages had been ripped out - he just can't resist ripping things can Jack the Ripper.
Stew isn't so sure. Jack the Ripper was a master criminal, after all, he wouldn't leave a diary lying around - and if he had, it would have been a decoy diary. Containing stuff like "Tuesday. I didn't kill anyone today in a bizarre ritual murder, and I wasn't sexually excited by it when I did it, because I didn't even do it. I'm not Jack the Ripper, I wasn't there."

American movie producers, Seahand & Zemquitt, are up next telling how they'd recently been offered a script for a film called "Jurassic Park".
But they didn't like the format. Get rid of the dinosaurs, replace them with a pack of dogs - and don't set it on an island. No, use a suburban street. And don't call it "Jurassic Park". Call it "Beethoven's Second". And then, then - you have a hit on your hands. Or do you?

Getting back to topical stuff, Rich notices that this week has seen "Shrove Tuesday", the annual festival when people prepare for the abstinence of lent by eating all the leftover batter in their houses. Stew is unimpressed. "But it's tradition" pleads Rich.

Stew goes on to underline the pointlessness of British tradition, but Rich tries to demonstrate otherwise. This week, the Fist Of Fun cameras had been sent to Shrewsbury in Shropshire to catch up with the Shrewsbury Pie Pie festival.
Every year, the people of Shrewsbury keep their leftover pies for the Pie Man who collects them all together & puts them in a giant Pie Shell. The Piemaster whisks up all the pies and once the pies have been cooked together, the giant Pie Pie is eaten the feast day of St. Ian, the patron saint of pies.
The authorities are obviously very concerned about this tradition, explaining that every decade the people of Shrewsbury also make a Pie Pie Pie, containing leftovers of Pie Pies from the previous ten years. Meaning of course that some elements of the Ten Year Pie Pie Pie could be hundreds of years old!
But fear not, the Pie Man understands the importance of properly cooking his wares, and so gets two domestic electric heaters & turns them right up to setting three.
The people of Shrewsbury are insistent that they want to eat the pie, but the authorities are not so keen. Needless to say, the festivities culminate in hospital beds full of Pie-poisoned inhabitants of Shrewsbury.

Back in the Studio, Rich is doing some hard-hitting Rory Bremner style satire, which makes Stew suspicious. This is unlike Rich, who is clearly treading water, and it's time for Peter's bit now, isn't it?

The sound of banging alerts Stew to the presence of Peter locked inside his cupboard. And strangely, the key hanging round Rich's neck opens the cupboard.