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Fist Of Fun
FIST OF FUN SERIES TWO, SHOW FOUR - BROADCAST 8th March 1996
This weeks' show has been cloned by Scottish scientists at the Royston Institute to be an exact copy of a 1972 Goodies script, announces Stew, before asking Rich what had caught his satirical eye this week. Rich explains that he'd read about a child in Yorkshire by the name of Maurice Mitchener who went to see Peter Pan and was so scared that his parents are now suing the playhouse that put on the production.
Rich proceeds to mock the three year old child, despite Stew's protests. In defence of Maurice Michener's reaction to Peter Pan, Stew considers the possibility that he may have seen through to the core of the story, which is about the fear of growing old. Maurice Mitchener may have had an existential dread about his own mortality - and faced with that, like Hamlet, he just had to despair. This doesn't convince Rich.

Rich
Peter Dibdin, Rich's driving instructor, is back - giving us an insight into a day in his life.
Today is Sunday - a day off, and he's having some friends round. His friends, predictably, are all fellow driving instructors. They spend their day testing each other on the highway code & playing driving instructor style games.
 Stew

Back to the Studio, and we're just in time for the Fist Of Fun illegal lottery draw. Stew has already distributed the 25% of the total money raised to the designated "worthy cause", Pavarotti. He had traveled to the Royal Opera House to give the fat singer a staggering eleven pounds and fourteen and a half pence. He wasn't there, but they said they'd pass it on - and he trusted them. This combined act of generosity and trust prompts Rich to label him as "the new christ".

Of course, the real lottery show has celebrity guests on hand to help with the draw. Well, Rich & Stew are no exception and have secured the services of Rod Hull, from Emu's World, as their celebrity guest.

Rod is sent, screaming, into the audience to retrieve the winner, Steven Jackson. Steven has won £22.29. Which serves as a bit of a disappointment after his initial stake of £35.

Time now for the one person in Britain more pathetic than Maurice Mitchener - yes, it's Peter.
This week, he's decided to "go old". His brother Charlie has drawn lines all over his face for him, and he's started to pull out his hair. He's given John Menzies a little tartan coat like scotty dogs wear and strapped a plastic doll's hand to his ear as a hearing aid.
And for varicose veins, he's filled some pop socks with mince & blue electrical wire.

If you've decided to retire 25 years early too, why not try going to a Tea Dance. Pete has been teaching himself the Lambada it seems, and on hearing this, Rich bullies him into performing it for him.
So he does, and is quite good at it.

Rich is confused, he saw a programme on TV last night about mistresses, and wants to know how an ugly bloke like David Mellor managed to get a mistress. Rich wants a mistress too, and wants to know how to get one. Stew gently explains that before you can have a mistress - you must be going out with someone in the first place. He's trying to run before he can walk.
"Oh, so you want me to have a relationship and a mistress do you?"
"Yeah, that's how it works, yeah."
"You want the moon on a stick."

Dodging & denying these moon-stick accusations, Stew goes on to complain that the country is run by snobby, Stuck up public school boys. Ignoring for one moment the fact that he himself was sent to a public school. Rich on the other hand was educated in an ordinary comprehensive school.
Stew concedes that yes, Rich has done OK for himself, especially as the school in question was in Somerset - and some trademark Somerset bashing is reprised.

Stew
Rich
Mr Kennedy
Mr Harris
Patrick Nuffy

But, in a bid to find a bit more out about education, the Fist Of Fun cameras are sent to a London Comprehensive (filmed on location at the Grange Hill set) to view the styles of two very different teachers, Mr Kennedy (Lee) & Mr Harris (Herring).

Mr Harris is the downtrodden teacher that tries his hardest, but cannot earn the respect of his pupils no matter what he does, earning himself the nickname "Twatty" Harris.
Mr Kennedy is the cool, exciting teacher that tries hardest to be 'one of the kids'.
"Don't call me Mr Kennedy, call me Ian".

Mr Kennedy takes an immediate dislike to Patrick Nuffy, and singles him out for ridicule in order to make himself look big, and announces that the class should not worry about handing their homework in because he shan't be marking it that night anyway - he's off to the civic hall to see The Spin Doctors with two of the girls from the sixth form.
Mr Harris, meanwhile, is at home marking his classes' books.

The sketch draws Rich & Stew to reminisce about their own school years. Stew tells of "Egg-head Geddis" who always seemed to manage to trap some egg in his beard, and Rich mentions "Smackhead Rogers", so called not because of a bald head, but because of a life-threatening addiction to Heroin.
Simon Quinlank's back again. He's not a hobby horse, no. He is a hobby lion and lord of the hobby animal kingdom. He is much better than a horse, which is rubbish. This week's hobby is called "Telling a celebrity you think they are really good and asking for their autograph when in reality you think they are rubbish, and when they give you their autograph you rip up their autograph in front of their astonished minor television celebrity faces."
Fairly self-explanatory really. Quinlank's target for this hobby are Rich & Stew, and he invades the Studio to perform his hobby on them. They manage to rid themselves of the hobby maniac, and close the show.