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In
1999, Rich & Stew contributed this programme to BBC2's "Monster
Night", a night of programming dedicated to (wait for
it...) Monsters!
The
evening was hosted by Bill Bailey & aimed to present a slightly
tongue-in-cheek look at the Monster Movie genre.
The night was closed with an old Godzilla movie, it was that sort
of event.
Anyway
- Lee & Herring's contribution was "Lee & Herring's
Reasonably Scary Monsters" an eighteen minute sketch
which involved Rich & Stew watching and commentating on one
of a number of cheap videos that Rich had brought home en-named,
"The World's 9 Scariest Monsters".
"Nine, Rich?"
"Yes. Nine."
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"Since
the dawn of time, man has fought a constant battle with the monsters
of his darkest imaginings.."
So
says Carol Vorderman as Rich pops the video in the machine, and
kicks things off with scary monster number nine, The Alien - from
the Alien films. Cutting to the first of many celebrity vox-pops,
Cricketer Mike Gatting recalls The Alien's double-set of teeth and
fearsome tail, wondering who designs these things. As Stew points
out, it's HR Geiger. He's credited on the film, it's not that hard
for Mike Gatting to find out!
Reasonably
Scary Monster Number Eight is presented as The Cyclops, and as Really
Wild Show presenter Chris Packham explains, the Cyclops myth is
actually based in fact. Apparently Elephant skulls contain a central
hole which was mistaken for an eye socket by early observers. Stew
can't believe that a Cyclops |
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Scary
Monster Number Seven is Dr Who's nemesis The Daleks, presented by
Adam Woodyatt, Eastender Ian Beale who points out that as terrifying
as they were, all Dr Who had to do to defeat them was to go upstairs!
Stew corrects him and a laughing Rich immediately, pointing out
that there was a kind of "hoverpad" available to them,
which was mentioned as long ago as the 1960s. If only Ian Beale
had done some research....
Mike Gatting also makes another appearance, and Stew is somewhat
concerned by the venom that the ex-england captain shows for them
until Rich explains that Mike Gatting's family was killed by Daleks
- right in front of his bearded face. "Ah, no wonder he
holds a grudge then.."
Mandy
Smith commentates on Monster number six, King Kong, now, revealing
her fear that the giant monkey would come come and get her! Neither
Rich nor Stew can bring themselves to do the obvious Bill Wyman
jokes....
Godzilla's
up next, at number five. Presented by Leo Sayer, who appears holding
a toy Godzilla. This disturbs Rich who misunderstands the perspective
& thinks that he's seeing a giant Leo Sayer! "Look he's
huge, he's able to hold a Godzilla in one of hands, he must be about
five miles high!!!"
Stew
calms the frightened Herring down, pointing out that "a giant
Leo Sayer would be no more terrifying than a normal sized Leo Sayer,
just more inconvenient in the recording studio." |
Number Four
Monster is Frankenstein's Monster, or a "Frankingstein" as Rich
would have it. Mike Gatting's back, telling it like it is, explaining
how - despite the fact the monster is made up of random body parts - women
seem to find it incredibly attractive. Stew doesn't understand - "why
is Mike Gatting so vehement about this?" It's not something he would
normally associate with the Frankenstein Monster. until Rich reminds him
that MIke Gatting's wife ran off with a Frankingstein, just as he was
getting over the Dalek thing too. He's had some bad luck, has Mike Gatting.
The Third
Scariest Monster is The Sea, or more precisely, the monsters that inhabit
it's icy depths. Pat Cash re-iterates the fear of not knowing what's below
the surface. Vorderman & Dr David Punter state the the scariest monnster
of the deep is the "Kraken", or should that be Kraaken.
Perhaps, suggests Rich, it should actually be Kraaaaaauuaaaaaaaakan?
Number Two
is presented by David "Kid" Jensen as The Undead. He believes
we're scared of the Zombie as it's one thing that we could realistically
become. What happens to us after we die? Can we become zombies? The zombies'
decaying form reminds us of the frailty of human flesh.
The
scariest monster of all time is WOMAN. From sirens to witches, harpies
to hags, the terror has never been equalled. They are more sly than other
monsters, says TV cook Nancy Lam. Carol Vorderman announces that the worst
of all the female monsters is the literally petrifying Medusa - the Gorgon
with the snake-covered head.
Disappointed
with the end result, Rich & Stew dive back into the bag of budget
videos & decide to go for the Celebrity Arses video after all.....
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