| In
1999, Rich & Stew contributed this programme to BBC2's "Monster
Night", a night of programming dedicated to - predictably enough
- Monsters. |
|
The
evening was hosted by Bill Bailey & aimed to present a slightly
tongue-in-cheek look at the Monster Movie genre.
The night was closed with an old Godzilla movie, and was peppered with
studio inserts hosted by Bailey.
Lee
& Herring's contribution was "Lee & Herring's Reasonably
Scary Monsters" an eighteen minute sketch centered around
the duo watching and commentating on one of a number of cheap videos
that Rich had brought home in leiu of beer & pizza.
The video in question was, "The World's 9 Scariest Monsters
- with Carol Vorderman".
"Nine, Rich?"
"Yes. Nine."
|
"Since
the dawn of time, man has fought a constant battle with the monsters of his
darkest imaginings.."
So
says Carol Vorderman as the video opens with scary monster number nine, The
Alien - from the Alien films.
Cutting to the first of many celebrity vox-pops, Cricketer Mike Gatting recalls
The Alien's double-set of teeth and fearsome tail, wondering who designs these
things. It's HR Geiger. He's credited on the film, it's not that hard to find
out!
Reasonably
Scary Monster Number Eight is presented as The Cyclops, and as Really Wild
Show presenter Chris Packham explains, the Cyclops myth is actually based
in fact.
Apparently Elephant skulls contain a central hole which was mistaken for an
eye socket by early observers.
Scary
Monster Number Seven is Dr Who's nemesis The Daleks, presented by Adam
Woodyatt - aka Eastender Ian Beale - who makes the creaky observation
that , as terrifying as they are, all Dr Who had to do to defeat the Daleks
is to go upstairs!
Stew corrects him and a laughing Rich immediately, pointing out that there
was a kind of "hoverpad" available to them, which was mentioned
as long ago as the 1960s. If only Ian Beale had done some research....
Mike Gatting also makes another appearance, and Stew is somewhat concerned
by the venom that the ex-england captain shows for the Daleks, until Rich
explains that Mike Gatting's family was killed by Daleks.
"Ah, no wonder he holds a grudge then.." |

|
Mandy
Smith commentates on Monster number six, King Kong. Revealing her fear that
the giant monkey would come come and get her! Neither Rich nor Stew can bring
themselves to do the obvious Bill Wyman jokes....
Godzilla's
up next, at number five. Presented by Leo Sayer, who appears holding a toy
Godzilla.
This disturbs Rich who misunderstands the perspective & thinks that he's
seeing a giant Leo Sayer!
"Look he's huge, he's able to hold a Godzilla in one of hands, he
must be about five miles high!!!"
Monster
Number Four is Frankenstein's Monster, or a "Frankingstein" as Rich
would have it.
 |
Mike
Gatting's back, telling it like it is, explaining how - despite the
fact the monster is made up of random body parts - women seem to find
it incredibly attractive.
Stew doesn't understand - "why is Mike Gatting so vehement
about this?" It's not something he would normally associate
with the Frankenstein Monster. until Rich reminds him that Mike Gatting's
wife ran off with a Frankingstein, just as he was getting over the Dalek
thing too.
He's had some bad luck, has Mike Gatting. |
The
Third Scariest Monster is billed as The Sea, or more precisely, the monsters
that inhabit it's icy depths. Pat Cash re-iterates the fear of not knowing what's
below the surface. Vorderman & Dr David Punter state the the scariest monnster
of the deep is the "Kraken", or should that be Kraaken?
Perhaps, suggests Rich, it should actually be Kraaaaaauuaaaaaaaakan?
Number
Two is presented by David "Kid" Jensen. It's The Undead.
He postulates that mankind is scared of the Zombie as it's one thing that
we could realistically become. What happens to us after we die? Can we become
zombies? The zombies' decaying form reminds us of the frailty of human flesh.
And so we
get to the top of the pile. And, according to this tape, the scariest
monster of all time is WOMAN.
From sirens to witches, harpies to hags, the terror has never been equalled.
They are more sly than other monsters, says TV cook Nancy Lam. Carol Vorderman
announces that the worst of all the female monsters is the literally petrifying
Medusa - the Gorgon with the snake-covered head. |
 |
Disappointed
with the end result, Rich & Stew dive back into the bag of budget videos
Rich brought home & decide to go for the Celebrity Arses video after all.....
|
|
|
Those
9 Monsters again:
- 9
- The Alien
- 8
- The Cyclops
- 7
- The Daleks
- 6
- King Kong
- 5
- Godzilla
- 4
- A Frankingstein
- 3
- The Sea / Kraaaaaaaken
- 2
- Zombies
- 1
- Women
|
download
a real video version of the show here
or read the script (differs slightly to broadcast version) here. |