reasonably scary monsters
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The World's Nine Scariest Monsters.....With Carol Vorderman

In 1999, Rich & Stew contributed this programme to BBC2's "Monster Night", a night of programming dedicated to (wait for it...) Monsters!

The evening was hosted by Bill Bailey & aimed to present a slightly tongue-in-cheek look at the Monster Movie genre.
The night was closed with an old Godzilla movie, it was that sort of event.

Anyway - Lee & Herring's contribution was "Lee & Herring's Reasonably Scary Monsters" an eighteen minute sketch which involved Rich & Stew watching and commentating on one of a number of cheap videos that Rich had brought home en-named, "The World's 9 Scariest Monsters".
"Nine, Rich?"
"Yes. Nine."

"Since the dawn of time, man has fought a constant battle with the monsters of his darkest imaginings.."

So says Carol Vorderman as Rich pops the video in the machine, and kicks things off with scary monster number nine, The Alien - from the Alien films. Cutting to the first of many celebrity vox-pops, Cricketer Mike Gatting recalls The Alien's double-set of teeth and fearsome tail, wondering who designs these things. As Stew points out, it's HR Geiger. He's credited on the film, it's not that hard for Mike Gatting to find out!

Reasonably Scary Monster Number Eight is presented as The Cyclops, and as Really Wild Show presenter Chris Packham explains, the Cyclops myth is actually based in fact. Apparently Elephant skulls contain a central hole which was mistaken for an eye socket by early observers. Stew can't believe that a Cyclops

Rich shows Stew his latest purchases
Watching "The World's Nine Scariest Monsters"

Scary Monster Number Seven is Dr Who's nemesis The Daleks, presented by Adam Woodyatt, Eastender Ian Beale who points out that as terrifying as they were, all Dr Who had to do to defeat them was to go upstairs! Stew corrects him and a laughing Rich immediately, pointing out that there was a kind of "hoverpad" available to them, which was mentioned as long ago as the 1960s. If only Ian Beale had done some research....
Mike Gatting also makes another appearance, and Stew is somewhat concerned by the venom that the ex-england captain shows for them until Rich explains that Mike Gatting's family was killed by Daleks - right in front of his bearded face. "Ah, no wonder he holds a grudge then.."

Mandy Smith commentates on Monster number six, King Kong, now, revealing her fear that the giant monkey would come come and get her! Neither Rich nor Stew can bring themselves to do the obvious Bill Wyman jokes....

Godzilla's up next, at number five. Presented by Leo Sayer, who appears holding a toy Godzilla. This disturbs Rich who misunderstands the perspective & thinks that he's seeing a giant Leo Sayer! "Look he's huge, he's able to hold a Godzilla in one of hands, he must be about five miles high!!!"

Stew calms the frightened Herring down, pointing out that "a giant Leo Sayer would be no more terrifying than a normal sized Leo Sayer, just more inconvenient in the recording studio."

Number Four Monster is Frankenstein's Monster, or a "Frankingstein" as Rich would have it. Mike Gatting's back, telling it like it is, explaining how - despite the fact the monster is made up of random body parts - women seem to find it incredibly attractive. Stew doesn't understand - "why is Mike Gatting so vehement about this?" It's not something he would normally associate with the Frankenstein Monster. until Rich reminds him that MIke Gatting's wife ran off with a Frankingstein, just as he was getting over the Dalek thing too. He's had some bad luck, has Mike Gatting.

The Third Scariest Monster is The Sea, or more precisely, the monsters that inhabit it's icy depths. Pat Cash re-iterates the fear of not knowing what's below the surface. Vorderman & Dr David Punter state the the scariest monnster of the deep is the "Kraken", or should that be Kraaken.
Perhaps, suggests Rich, it should actually be Kraaaaaauuaaaaaaaakan?

Number Two is presented by David "Kid" Jensen as The Undead. He believes we're scared of the Zombie as it's one thing that we could realistically become. What happens to us after we die? Can we become zombies? The zombies' decaying form reminds us of the frailty of human flesh.

The scariest monster of all time is WOMAN. From sirens to witches, harpies to hags, the terror has never been equalled. They are more sly than other monsters, says TV cook Nancy Lam. Carol Vorderman announces that the worst of all the female monsters is the literally petrifying Medusa - the Gorgon with the snake-covered head.

Disappointed with the end result, Rich & Stew dive back into the bag of budget videos & decide to go for the Celebrity Arses video after all.....

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