In 1999, Rich & Stew contributed this programme to BBC2's "Monster Night", a night of programming dedicated to - predictably enough - Monsters.

The evening was hosted by Bill Bailey & aimed to present a slightly tongue-in-cheek look at the Monster Movie genre. The night was closed with an old Godzilla movie, and was peppered with studio inserts hosted by Bailey. Lee & Herring's contribution was "Lee & Herring's Reasonably Scary Monsters" an eighteen minute sketch centered around the duo watching and commentating on one of a number of cheap videos that Rich had brought home in leiu of beer & pizza. The video in question was, "The World's 9 Scariest Monsters - with Carol Vorderman". "Nine, Rich?" "Yes. Nine."

"Since the dawn of time, man has fought a constant battle with the monsters of his darkest imaginings.."

So says Carol Vorderman as the video opens with scary monster number nine, The Alien - from the Alien films.
Cutting to the first of many celebrity vox-pops, Cricketer Mike Gatting recalls The Alien's double-set of teeth and fearsome tail, wondering who designs these things. It's HR Geiger. He's credited on the film, it's not that hard to find out!

Reasonably Scary Monster Number Eight is presented as The Cyclops, and as Really Wild Show presenter Chris Packham explains, the Cyclops myth is actually based in fact.
Apparently Elephant skulls contain a central hole which was mistaken for an eye socket by early observers.

Scary Monster Number Seven is Dr Who's nemesis The Daleks, presented by Adam Woodyatt - aka Eastender Ian Beale - who makes the creaky observation that , as terrifying as they are, all Dr Who had to do to defeat the Daleks is to go upstairs! Stew corrects him and a laughing Rich immediately, pointing out that there was a kind of "hoverpad" available to them, which was mentioned as long ago as the 1960s. If only Ian Beale had done some research.... Mike Gatting also makes another appearance, and Stew is somewhat concerned by the venom that the ex-england captain shows for the Daleks, until Rich explains that Mike Gatting's family was killed by Daleks. "Ah, no wonder he holds a grudge then.."

Mandy Smith commentates on Monster number six, King Kong. Revealing her fear that the giant monkey would come come and get her! Neither Rich nor Stew can bring themselves to do the obvious Bill Wyman jokes....

Godzilla's up next, at number five. Presented by Leo Sayer, who appears holding a toy Godzilla.
This disturbs Rich who misunderstands the perspective & thinks that he's seeing a giant Leo Sayer!
"Look he's huge, he's able to hold a Godzilla in one of hands, he must be about five miles high!!!"

Monster Number Four is Frankenstein's Monster, or a "Frankingstein" as Rich would have it.

Mike Gatting's back, telling it like it is, explaining how - despite the fact the monster is made up of random body parts - women seem to find it incredibly attractive. Stew doesn't understand - "why is Mike Gatting so vehement about this?" It's not something he would normally associate with the Frankenstein Monster. until Rich reminds him that Mike Gatting's wife ran off with a Frankingstein, just as he was getting over the Dalek thing too. He's had some bad luck, has Mike Gatting.

The Third Scariest Monster is billed as The Sea, or more precisely, the monsters that inhabit it's icy depths. Pat Cash re-iterates the fear of not knowing what's below the surface. Vorderman & Dr David Punter state the the scariest monnster of the deep is the "Kraken", or should that be Kraaken?
Perhaps, suggests Rich, it should actually be Kraaaaaauuaaaaaaaakan?

Number Two is presented by David "Kid" Jensen. It's The Undead.
He postulates that mankind is scared of the Zombie as it's one thing that we could realistically become. What happens to us after we die? Can we become zombies? The zombies' decaying form reminds us of the frailty of human flesh.

And so we get to the top of the pile. And, according to this tape, the scariest monster of all time is WOMAN. From sirens to witches, harpies to hags, the terror has never been equalled. They are more sly than other monsters, says TV cook Nancy Lam. Carol Vorderman announces that the worst of all the female monsters is the literally petrifying Medusa - the Gorgon with the snake-covered head.

Disappointed with the end result, Rich & Stew dive back into the bag of budget videos Rich brought home & decide to go for the Celebrity Arses video after all.....

PART ONE ON YOUTUBE	PART TWO ON YOUTUBE
Those 9 Monsters again: 9 - The Alien 8 - The Cyclops 7 - The Daleks 6 - King Kong 5 - Godzilla 4 - A Frankingstein 3 - The Sea / Kraaaaaaaken 2 - Zombies 1 - Women
download a real video version of the show here or read the script (differs slightly to broadcast version) here.