SERIES ONE Show Five - Broadcast 30th October 2004

Rich opens the show with the searching question; "if the dead could speak, what would they say?"
Well - some would contend it would simply be "aaagh, get me out of this box..!"
Others argue that they would vaguely confirm already known information.
But at TWTTIN, they believe the dead can't speak - although they can listen - and write letters of complaint. So, just for them, they've put together this show.
To kick things off, please welcome the house band, Christian Reilly & The Rosetta Stones

Christian is keen to discover what happened after the apocalyptic battle between the two Kneival brothers at the end of last week's show (he didn't stay to watch - some of the girls in the audience were going out for a pizza after).
Unfortunately, Rich didn't catch it either, he was really busting for the toilet & had to go before the battle was over...
Mr Morgan & Brian O'Green are on hand to tell us all about what happened, though - except they're not. Morgan was numbing his pain with alcohol & fell into a drunken stupor before the battle and O'Green know, but he's not giving away any spoilers.

So, let's move on with the show instead. What happened during this week in history?
On the 25th October 1854, the disastrous Charge Of The Light Brigade took place.
A brief sketch mocking Lord Cardigan follows before returning to the studio & Brian O'Green's "Conspiracy Theory Corner"
This week, Brian is asking what the Crimean War was really about, he believes it was a war focusing on wool & explains his theory via Lord Cardigan's involvement - look at his name - He's lord Cardigan, and what are cardigans made from?
That's right - wool! And balaclavas too!
He's even managed to implicate Florence Nightingale too, in this ridiculous theory.

And so, moving swiftly on - it's time for a song from Christian & The Band.
This week in 1978 Vietnam veteran Leonard Matlovich was discharged from the US armed forces for declaring his homosexuality on the Cover of Time Magazine.
So, the band have come up with a Gay Pride anthem especially for Leonard & all his fellow gay servicemen.

And now it's time for the regular Births, Deaths & Marriages spot with TV's Emma Kennedy.
BIRTH - This week's birthdays include that of "The Fonz", Henry Winkler
DEATH - 24th October 1537 - Jane Seymour dies in childbirth
MARRIAGE - 27th October 1964 saw Cher & Sonny Bono's Marriage
Emma tries an awkward pun based around the words "Chair" & "Cher", and predictably enough, Rich rallies against her. She nearly gets her own back with a "Cher-alike" comeback, but it's not enough, she is a Mawkish Witch and is hounded back to TV where she belongs

Back to Brian O'Green now, who notes that on the 24th October 1931, Al Capone was finally arrested by the American authorities, who managed to pin him on crimes of Tax evasion.
A sketch tells us how this happened - rather than the St. Valentines' Day Massacre & various other murders.
Back in the studio, Rich tells us that on 27th October 1867, Garibaldi marched on Rome and united Italy - yet he spent most of his life feeling like his achievements hadn't been appreciated - but why?
The team try to find out in the section of the show known as "What Reeeeaaalllly Happened?"

Also - on the 26th October 899AD, King Alfred The Great died. This is particularly notable this week as his tomb has also recently been discovered, along with the inevitable stories of curses. To discuss this - please welcome archeologist Susan Molyneaux to discuss the curse of King Alfred, as she has apparently been touched by the curse herself.
She explains that it is not a malicious curse at all, but instead - she has a dry patch of skin around her left elbow, it's fairly easily treatable - but just a bit of an inconvenience.
Having mocked this mild affliction, Susan challenges Rich to touch the bones of King Alfred - she has brought his bones with her. Will Rich dare risk the King's curse too?
He touches the bones, and awakes the King. Annoyed that his previous curses had not made his point clearly enough, Alfred unleashes an acid wind upon the studio, leaving Rich and the team rendered as skellingtons covered in muscle as the show draws to a close...