::WWW.FISTOFFUN.NET:: A CELEBRATION OF MEDIOCRITY :: RICHARD HERRING & STEWART LEE ARCHIVE

(Sorry, but the first bit of this is missing! It's something about Stewart performing at one of the many "King's Head"'s in London.)

RICH: How did it go?
STEW: It went pretty good. I've had to rush across town to get here, though.
RICH: Yeah, well done.
CHRIS MOYLES, Capital DJ: Why were the two of you not performing?
STEW: Oh, we always do stuff on our own as well. It keeps things fresh, you know. It's like, in a marriage, I think you should be adulterous. (Rich laughs) To um, to keep.... No I don't think that!
CHRIS: That's very naughty!
RICH: Yeah, Stew is just about to get married-
STEW: No, I don't think that!
RICH: - So I hope his girlfriend/fiancee is listening.
STEW: No, I don't think that! Anyway, no, we started doing a double act live about two years ago and we'd always worked on our own as well, and we still do for about half the year. I do stand-up, and Rich does his elaborate one-man fantasias at Edinburgh every Summer. So, er, yeah. Then we sort of filter some of those ideas into the double act, and some of them we keep coz the other person doesn't like them. We keep them in a box, under the bed.
CHRIS: I've been talking to you for the past 10 minutes and this is, now, the first time you've looked me in the eye. I don't know if you're aware of this.
STEW: Yeah, I think it's, um, I'm very shy, really.
CHRIS: Is it because you fancy me immensely? (Rich snorts with laughter)
STEW: Well, um, I've been looking at the one finger of your hand that's got nail varnish on it.
CHRIS: Actually, I've got two, but that one's a little bit chipped.
RICH: One on each hand.
CHRIS: Yeah, well, it's... I don't know, I just like it.
RICH: Is that some kind of young person's thing?
CHRIS: I think, I think.... Well, my girlfriend put nail varnish on me, and it looked quite nice. But then I got into work, and it didn't look as nice.
STEW: Yeah, context is all of these things.
CHRIS: I think so.
STEW: I bet the keyboard player from Suede's probably got his little finger with some nail varnish on.
RICH: Does she use you as some kind of doll, then? (laughter) Does she dress you up and things?
CHRIS: Yeah. because we're virtually the same size. If she's a couple of outfits she wants to try on, but hasn't got time, it's like, "You try on the pink one, and I'll do the tight leather lycra." If you can even get leather lycra, I don't know if you can.
STEW: Oh, you can these days.
CHRIS: So, what do you think of the fingernail? Is it a nice 90s way of me showing how I feel about myself, or does it just look crap?
STEW: I think it's like a new Romantics type of thing from the 80s. Probably someone in Kajagoogoo might have had that.
CHRIS: So, crap then?
STEW: No, it's alright.
RICH: Yeah, an interesting talking point. We've just got, like, 3 minutes out of that!
CHRIS: Well, Lee and Herring are here and we're going to promote their only London Show after the next song, so enjoy this top tune on the Late Bit and then we'll talk more with Lee and Herring!
RICH: (Whispers) Great!

(Music. No Way Sis with 'I'd like to teach the world to sing')

CHRIS: Hello, this is Capital FM. It's the Late Bit, I'm Chris Moyles. Lee and Herring are here.
STEW: (stupid voice) HELLO!
CHRIS: They're from TV's Fist of Fun.
STEW: That's right.
CHRIS: Coz it says here on the flier, " Lee and Herring OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun" I don't understand what that is.
STEW: We're OFF OF it.
CHRIS: OFF OF?
STEW: Yeah, OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun.
CHRIS: Well, that's not grammatically correct, though.
STEW: It is.
RICH: It's the sort of thing your Gran would say. "It's him off of the telly!"
CHRIS: Lee and Herring OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun.
STEW: That's right! (they giggle) It's irritating, isn't it?!
CHRIS: Now, I was saying before we started, off air as you do in that showbiz radio way, that my girlfriend fancies one of you. (Pause)
STEW: Right.
CHRIS: And she did actually say, "Can you give him a kiss from me?"
RICH: (giggles)
STEW: Oh no!
CHRIS: This is true, and so I thought I'd just say it and see what the reaction was. Richard.
RICH: Is it me?
CHRIS: It is you, yeah!
RICH: Is this just an elaborate way for you to get to kiss me?
CHRIS: No!
RICH: Because I'll kiss you anyway. If you just say, "Can I kiss you Rich?" I'd, you know, appreciate your honesty more than if you come and say, " Well, my girlfriend bet me that I wouldn't kiss you" or something.
CHRIS: Well, I'll say that now then. Can I kiss you, Rich?
RICH: (giggles) Yes! Do you want to do it now?
CHRIS: Yes, please!
STEW: Ok, listeners, I'll sing some music while we sort of draw a veil over that. La la la..... (Pause)
CHRIS: And my father says you're very attractive, Stewart.
STEW: Your father did?!
CHRIS: And he'd like to see your bottom! (Rich laughs hysterically)
STEW: Great, and what, have you got to see it to pass it on to him?!
CHRIS: Basically, yes! You've seen through my cheap attempt at Arse-watching, which is my new hobby.
STEW: That's a bit contrived, isn't it?
CHRIS: Yeah, Arse-watching is something I want to bring into the National Curriculum of Hobbies.
STEW: Well, we'll do our best!
RICH: There's Arse-rubbing already, of course. One of Simon Quinlank's hobbies.
CHRIS: Oh, really? Coz I'm not interested in Arse-rubbing, but Arse-watching is very good. And you can do it in the privacy of your own home.
STEW: Well, you can look at your own, can't you, with a mirror.
CHRIS: You can, but you can also look at celebrity arses as well.
STEW: How? How can you do that?
CHRIS: Well, you switch on your telly and watch Countdown in the afternoons!
RICH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
CHRIS: They're sitting behind the desks.
STEW: Clever!
RICH: You were used as a stooge, Stew. A stooge!
STEW: I know, I went "How? How can you do that?" coz I know he'd have a funny thing....
CHRIS: Thankyou, and we'll have more of Lee and Herring in just a moment. So keep it Capital, listeners!

(Music. Alanis Morrisette with 'You Oughta Know')

CHRIS: It's the late bit, I'm Chris Moyles and Lee and Herring are still here talking to me now. (PAUSE)
RICH: (miserable attempt at a Peter impression) You're TOO GORGEOUS! (Stew laughs)
CHRIS: So can I go to your only London show for free then?
STEW: Yeah, you can, but people listening can't. They have to buy tickets.
CHRIS: But it's very reasonable.
STEW: It is! In fact, it's the cheapest show on this Autumn at the Shepherds Bush Empire.
RICH: Is that good?
CHRIS: Wow, it is!
STEW: Its less to us than it is to see, um...
RICH: The Lightening Seeds.
STEW: Yeah, the Lightening Seeds, and we're better than them!
RICH: (over Stew) Yeah, see Ian Broudie!
STEW: We're better than the Lightening Seeds.
RICH: Much better.
STEW: Not as good as the Manic Street Preachers, but better than the Lightening Seeds. In the world of Comedy, we're not as good as the Fast Show, but better than Punt and Dennis! (laughs). Punt and Dennis are the Lightening Seeds of comedy.
CHRIS: Do you not like Punt and Dennis then?
STEW: They're alright, aren't they?
RICH: No! No they're not! They're not very funny. They're rubbish!
STEW: Yeah, they're rubbish!
CHRIS: They're just a hip version of Hale and Pace, I always think.
RICH: They're worse than Hale and Pace!
CHRIS: I wouldn't go that far. I think that's very, very rude! (Rich laughs)
RICH: At least Hale and Pace were funny in the beginning. Sorry Punt and Dennis! We meet them occasionally. We were in a lift with them once- (Chris interrupts)
CHRIS: Well, you won't believe this, but come in guys! Here are Punt and Dennis, Hale and Pace and the Lightening Seeds! (Rich laughs)
STEW: Oh no! (Rich cackles!)
STEW: Right, I was trying to get car insurance once, and its very difficult to get car insurance because if you're an entertainer, you are considered a high risk, like you're supposed to drive your car in a funny way, or something. And the bloke went, 'What do you do for a living?' and I went, 'I do stand up comedy' and he went,' oh, I'm sorry. I can't insure you in that case.' Oh, damn! Then he went,'So what is it you do?' and I said, 'I do this TV programme called Fist of Fun' and he went, 'I know you, you're like Hale and Pace, aren't you?! (Rich and Chris laugh)
It was doubly insulting, on one hand saying I can't insure you, and on the other saying I was like Hale and Pace. Awful! So don't go with that insurance company, whoever they were.
CHRIS: People compare me to Steve Wright. They go, 'Oh you're a bit wacky and bonkers like Steve Wright!' And I say,'Well, no actually. I'm nothing like Steve Wright apart from we both have a collection of consonants and vowels in our name. (Rich laughs)
STEW: I'll tell you a way that you're like Steve Wright.
CHRIS: Go on.
STEW: You and he are some of the few DJs that actually bother to do a bit of research about the people you interview, unlike, say, Roland Rivron or ANYONE who works at Virgin Radio.
RICH: (Laughs) Oooooooooh!
STEW: God! Terrible!
CHRIS: Well, it's been an absolute delight to see you, and more importantly, it's been lovely kissing you.
RICH: Yeah, I enjoyed it!
CHRIS: Maybe you can come back on your own sometime!
RICH: (laughs) I'd rather if your girlfriend ..... Why don't you bring your girlfriend in if she fancies me so much?!
STEW: Yeah, or your Dad!
RICH: And lets see what we can get on!
CHRIS: Can she come to the concert?
RICH: Yeah!
STEW: Concert?!! (Rich and Chris giggle)
RICH: She can kiss me in person.
CHRIS: That would be lovely. I know she would like to do that. At the GIG!
RICH: What does she look like? Is she alright? She can't be that attractive if she's going out with you! (Pause)
STEW and RICH: aaaaaaah!
CHRIS: Well, I think you're crap, actually! (Rich giggles)
STEW: Listen, we're happy to come in any time, it's been really nice talking to you. We'll even come in when we haven't got anything to try and promote. Bring a few cans down.
CHRIS: Will you come back in next week?
STEW: Yeah, alright.
CHRIS: I thought the comedy punchline would've been No! (Rich and Chris laugh)
STEW: Well, no! You know, we don't joke all the time. Sometimes we're serious.
RICH: Ask me if I'll come back in next week!
CHRIS: Richard, will you come back in next week?
RICH: No! (Everyone laughs fakely and very loudly for too long!)
CHRIS: These comedians, they really are funny and all that! Well you can see them at their only London Show. Lee and Herring Live OFF of TV's Fist Of Fun, with special Guest Kevin Eldon as the False Rod Hull and Simon somebody-
RICH: Quinlank
CHRIS: Whose name I can't pronounce. Er, Wednesday 18th December at the Shepherds Bush Empire at 8pm.
STEW and RICH: Cheers! Nice to meet you!
CHRIS: And you're too Gorgeous! (MUSIC)

(Sorry, but the first bit of this is missing! It's something about Stewart performing at one of the many "King's Head"'s in London.) RICH: How did it go? STEW: It went pretty good. I've had to rush across town to get here, though. RICH: Yeah, well done. CHRIS MOYLES, Capital DJ: Why were the two of you not performing? STEW: Oh, we always do stuff on our own as well. It keeps things fresh, you know. It's like, in a marriage, I think you should be adulterous. (Rich laughs) To um, to keep.... No I don't think that! CHRIS: That's very naughty! RICH: Yeah, Stew is just about to get married- STEW: No, I don't think that! RICH: - So I hope his girlfriend/fiancee is listening. STEW: No, I don't think that! Anyway, no, we started doing a double act live about two years ago and we'd always worked on our own as well, and we still do for about half the year. I do stand-up, and Rich does his elaborate one-man fantasias at Edinburgh every Summer. So, er, yeah. Then we sort of filter some of those ideas into the double act, and some of them we keep coz the other person doesn't like them. We keep them in a box, under the bed. CHRIS: I've been talking to you for the past 10 minutes and this is, now, the first time you've looked me in the eye. I don't know if you're aware of this. STEW: Yeah, I think it's, um, I'm very shy, really. CHRIS: Is it because you fancy me immensely? (Rich snorts with laughter) STEW: Well, um, I've been looking at the one finger of your hand that's got nail varnish on it. CHRIS: Actually, I've got two, but that one's a little bit chipped. RICH: One on each hand. CHRIS: Yeah, well, it's... I don't know, I just like it. RICH: Is that some kind of young person's thing? CHRIS: I think, I think.... Well, my girlfriend put nail varnish on me, and it looked quite nice. But then I got into work, and it didn't look as nice. STEW: Yeah, context is all of these things. CHRIS: I think so. STEW: I bet the keyboard player from Suede's probably got his little finger with some nail varnish on. RICH: Does she use you as some kind of doll, then? (laughter) Does she dress you up and things? CHRIS: Yeah. because we're virtually the same size. If she's a couple of outfits she wants to try on, but hasn't got time, it's like, "You try on the pink one, and I'll do the tight leather lycra." If you can even get leather lycra, I don't know if you can. STEW: Oh, you can these days. CHRIS: So, what do you think of the fingernail? Is it a nice 90s way of me showing how I feel about myself, or does it just look crap? STEW: I think it's like a new Romantics type of thing from the 80s. Probably someone in Kajagoogoo might have had that. CHRIS: So, crap then? STEW: No, it's alright. RICH: Yeah, an interesting talking point. We've just got, like, 3 minutes out of that! CHRIS: Well, Lee and Herring are here and we're going to promote their only London Show after the next song, so enjoy this top tune on the Late Bit and then we'll talk more with Lee and Herring! RICH: (Whispers) Great! (Music. No Way Sis with 'I'd like to teach the world to sing') CHRIS: Hello, this is Capital FM. It's the Late Bit, I'm Chris Moyles. Lee and Herring are here. STEW: (stupid voice) HELLO! CHRIS: They're from TV's Fist of Fun. STEW: That's right. CHRIS: Coz it says here on the flier, " Lee and Herring OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun" I don't understand what that is. STEW: We're OFF OF it. CHRIS: OFF OF? STEW: Yeah, OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun. CHRIS: Well, that's not grammatically correct, though. STEW: It is. RICH: It's the sort of thing your Gran would say. "It's him off of the telly!" CHRIS: Lee and Herring OFF OF TV's Fist of Fun. STEW: That's right! (they giggle) It's irritating, isn't it?! CHRIS: Now, I was saying before we started, off air as you do in that showbiz radio way, that my girlfriend fancies one of you. (Pause) STEW: Right. CHRIS: And she did actually say, "Can you give him a kiss from me?" RICH: (giggles) STEW: Oh no! CHRIS: This is true, and so I thought I'd just say it and see what the reaction was. Richard. RICH: Is it me? CHRIS: It is you, yeah! RICH: Is this just an elaborate way for you to get to kiss me? CHRIS: No! RICH: Because I'll kiss you anyway. If you just say, "Can I kiss you Rich?" I'd, you know, appreciate your honesty more than if you come and say, " Well, my girlfriend bet me that I wouldn't kiss you" or something. CHRIS: Well, I'll say that now then. Can I kiss you, Rich? RICH: (giggles) Yes! Do you want to do it now? CHRIS: Yes, please! STEW: Ok, listeners, I'll sing some music while we sort of draw a veil over that. La la la..... (Pause) CHRIS: And my father says you're very attractive, Stewart. STEW: Your father did?! CHRIS: And he'd like to see your bottom! (Rich laughs hysterically) STEW: Great, and what, have you got to see it to pass it on to him?! CHRIS: Basically, yes! You've seen through my cheap attempt at Arse-watching, which is my new hobby. STEW: That's a bit contrived, isn't it? CHRIS: Yeah, Arse-watching is something I want to bring into the National Curriculum of Hobbies. STEW: Well, we'll do our best! RICH: There's Arse-rubbing already, of course. One of Simon Quinlank's hobbies. CHRIS: Oh, really? Coz I'm not interested in Arse-rubbing, but Arse-watching is very good. And you can do it in the privacy of your own home. STEW: Well, you can look at your own, can't you, with a mirror. CHRIS: You can, but you can also look at celebrity arses as well. STEW: How? How can you do that? CHRIS: Well, you switch on your telly and watch Countdown in the afternoons! RICH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! CHRIS: They're sitting behind the desks. STEW: Clever! RICH: You were used as a stooge, Stew. A stooge! STEW: I know, I went "How? How can you do that?" coz I know he'd have a funny thing.... CHRIS: Thankyou, and we'll have more of Lee and Herring in just a moment. So keep it Capital, listeners! (Music. Alanis Morrisette with 'You Oughta Know') CHRIS: It's the late bit, I'm Chris Moyles and Lee and Herring are still here talking to me now. (PAUSE) RICH: (miserable attempt at a Peter impression) You're TOO GORGEOUS! (Stew laughs) CHRIS: So can I go to your only London show for free then? STEW: Yeah, you can, but people listening can't. They have to buy tickets. CHRIS: But it's very reasonable. STEW: It is! In fact, it's the cheapest show on this Autumn at the Shepherds Bush Empire. RICH: Is that good? CHRIS: Wow, it is! STEW: Its less to us than it is to see, um... RICH: The Lightening Seeds. STEW: Yeah, the Lightening Seeds, and we're better than them! RICH: (over Stew) Yeah, see Ian Broudie! STEW: We're better than the Lightening Seeds. RICH: Much better. STEW: Not as good as the Manic Street Preachers, but better than the Lightening Seeds. In the world of Comedy, we're not as good as the Fast Show, but better than Punt and Dennis! (laughs). Punt and Dennis are the Lightening Seeds of comedy. CHRIS: Do you not like Punt and Dennis then? STEW: They're alright, aren't they? RICH: No! No they're not! They're not very funny. They're rubbish! STEW: Yeah, they're rubbish! CHRIS: They're just a hip version of Hale and Pace, I always think. RICH: They're worse than Hale and Pace! CHRIS: I wouldn't go that far. I think that's very, very rude! (Rich laughs) RICH: At least Hale and Pace were funny in the beginning. Sorry Punt and Dennis! We meet them occasionally. We were in a lift with them once- (Chris interrupts) CHRIS: Well, you won't believe this, but come in guys! Here are Punt and Dennis, Hale and Pace and the Lightening Seeds! (Rich laughs) STEW: Oh no! (Rich cackles!) STEW: Right, I was trying to get car insurance once, and its very difficult to get car insurance because if you're an entertainer, you are considered a high risk, like you're supposed to drive your car in a funny way, or something. And the bloke went, 'What do you do for a living?' and I went, 'I do stand up comedy' and he went,' oh, I'm sorry. I can't insure you in that case.' Oh, damn! Then he went,'So what is it you do?' and I said, 'I do this TV programme called Fist of Fun' and he went, 'I know you, you're like Hale and Pace, aren't you?! (Rich and Chris laugh) It was doubly insulting, on one hand saying I can't insure you, and on the other saying I was like Hale and Pace. Awful! So don't go with that insurance company, whoever they were. CHRIS: People compare me to Steve Wright. They go, 'Oh you're a bit wacky and bonkers like Steve Wright!' And I say,'Well, no actually. I'm nothing like Steve Wright apart from we both have a collection of consonants and vowels in our name. (Rich laughs) STEW: I'll tell you a way that you're like Steve Wright. CHRIS: Go on. STEW: You and he are some of the few DJs that actually bother to do a bit of research about the people you interview, unlike, say, Roland Rivron or ANYONE who works at Virgin Radio. RICH: (Laughs) Oooooooooh! STEW: God! Terrible! CHRIS: Well, it's been an absolute delight to see you, and more importantly, it's been lovely kissing you. RICH: Yeah, I enjoyed it! CHRIS: Maybe you can come back on your own sometime! RICH: (laughs) I'd rather if your girlfriend ..... Why don't you bring your girlfriend in if she fancies me so much?! STEW: Yeah, or your Dad! RICH: And lets see what we can get on! CHRIS: Can she come to the concert? RICH: Yeah! STEW: Concert?!! (Rich and Chris giggle) RICH: She can kiss me in person. CHRIS: That would be lovely. I know she would like to do that. At the GIG! RICH: What does she look like? Is she alright? She can't be that attractive if she's going out with you! (Pause) STEW and RICH: aaaaaaah! CHRIS: Well, I think you're crap, actually! (Rich giggles) STEW: Listen, we're happy to come in any time, it's been really nice talking to you. We'll even come in when we haven't got anything to try and promote. Bring a few cans down. CHRIS: Will you come back in next week? STEW: Yeah, alright. CHRIS: I thought the comedy punchline would've been No! (Rich and Chris laugh) STEW: Well, no! You know, we don't joke all the time. Sometimes we're serious. RICH: Ask me if I'll come back in next week! CHRIS: Richard, will you come back in next week? RICH: No! (Everyone laughs fakely and very loudly for too long!) CHRIS: These comedians, they really are funny and all that! Well you can see them at their only London Show. Lee and Herring Live OFF of TV's Fist Of Fun, with special Guest Kevin Eldon as the False Rod Hull and Simon somebody- RICH: Quinlank CHRIS: Whose name I can't pronounce. Er, Wednesday 18th December at the Shepherds Bush Empire at 8pm. STEW and RICH: Cheers! Nice to meet you! CHRIS: And you're too Gorgeous! (MUSIC)
		Typed by Sian Woolaway and Dictated by Rebecca Mason. Source - the Curmudgeonly Lee & Herring Pages