In 1998, Rich & Stew contributed this programme to BBC2's "Monster Night", a night of programming dedicated to - predictably enough - Monsters.
The evening was hosted by Bill Bailey & aimed to present a slightly tongue-in-cheek look at the Monster Movie genre.
The night was closed with an old Godzilla movie, and was peppered with studio inserts hosted by Bailey.
Lee amp; Herring's contribution was "Lee & Herring's Reasonably Scary Monsters" an eighteen minute sketch centered around the duo watching and commentating on one of a number of cheap videos that Rich had brought home in leiu of beer & pizza.
The video in question was, "The World's 9 Scariest Monsters - with Carol Vorderman".
"Since the dawn of time, man has fought a constant battle with the monsters of his darkest imaginings.."
So says Carol Vorderman as the video opens with scary monster number nine, The Alien - from the Alien films.
Cutting to the first of many celebrity vox-pops, Cricketer Mike Gatting recalls The Alien's double-set of teeth and fearsome tail, wondering who designs these things. It's HR Geiger. He's credited on the film, it's not that hard to find out!
Reasonably Scary Monster Number Eight is presented as The Cyclops, and as Really Wild Show presenter Chris Packham explains, the Cyclops myth is actually based in fact.
Apparently Elephant skulls contain a central hole which was mistaken for an eye socket by early observers.
Scary Monster Number Seven is Dr Who's nemesis The Daleks, presented by Adam Woodyatt - aka Eastender Ian Beale - who makes the creaky observation that, as terrifying as they are, all Dr Who had to do to defeat the Daleks is to go upstairs!
Stew corrects him and a laughing Rich immediately, pointing out that there was a kind of "hoverpad" available to them, which was mentioned as long ago as the 1960s. If only Ian Beale had done some research....
Mike Gatting also makes another appearance, and Stew is somewhat concerned by the venom that the ex-england captain shows for the Daleks, until Rich explains that Mike Gatting's family was killed by Daleks.
"Ah, no wonder he holds a grudge then.."
Mandy Smith commentates on Monster number six, King Kong. Revealing her fear that the giant monkey would come come and get her! Neither Rich nor Stew can bring themselves to do the obvious Bill Wyman jokes....
Godzilla's up next, at number five. Presented by Leo Sayer, who appears holding a toy Godzilla.
This disturbs Rich who misunderstands the perspective & thinks that he's seeing a giant Leo Sayer!
"Look he's huge, he's able to hold a Godzilla in one of hands, he must be about five miles high!!!"
Monster Number Four is Frankenstein's Monster, or a "Frankingstein" as Rich would have it.
Mike Gatting's back, telling it like it is, explaining how - despite the fact the monster is made up of random body parts - women seem to find it incredibly attractive.
Stew doesn't understand - "why is Mike Gatting so vehement about this?" It's not something he would normally associate with the Frankenstein Monster. until Rich reminds him that Mike Gatting's wife ran off with a Frankingstein, just as he was getting over the Dalek thing too.
He's had some bad luck, has Mike Gatting.
The Third Scariest Monster is billed as The Sea, or more precisely, the monsters that inhabit it's icy depths. Pat Cash re-iterates the fear of not knowing what's below the surface. Vorderman & Dr David Punter state the the scariest monnster of the deep is the "Kraken", or should that be Kraaken?
Perhaps, suggests Rich, it should actually be Kraaaaaauuaaaaaaaakan?
Number Two is presented by David "Kid" Jensen. It's The Undead.
He postulates that mankind is scared of the Zombie as it's one thing that we could realistically become. What happens to us after we die? Can we become zombies? The zombies' decaying form reminds us of the frailty of human flesh.
Disappointed with the end result, Rich & Stew dive back into the bag of budget videos Rich brought home & decide to go for the Celebrity Arses video after all.....
And so we get to the top of the pile. And, according to this tape, the scariest monster of all time is WOMAN.
From sirens to witches, harpies to hags, the terror has never been equalled. They are more sly than other monsters, says TV cook Nancy Lam. Carol Vorderman announces that the worst of all the female monsters is the literally petrifying Medusa - the Gorgon with the snake-covered head.
- 9 - The Alien
- 8 - The Cyclops
- 7 - The Daleks
- 6 - King Kong
- 5 - Godzilla
- 4 - A Frankingstein
- 3 - The Sea / Kraaaaaaaken
- 2 - Zombies
- 1 - Women
This is the script for "Lee & Herring's Nine Scariest Monsters"
It's taken from www.leeandherring.com, where it's been up since the show was originally broadcast in 1998.
The script is different to the version that eventually went out, presumably as a result of ad-libs & subsequent script edits.
STEW IS IN THE FLAT. WATCHING FOOTBALL. RICH’S ARRIVES BACK WITH BAG.
RICH Hi I’m back
STEW It’s starting in a minute. Did you get the beer and pizza?
RICH No Stew. I was going to get it, but I was buying some chews in the newsagent and they had this bin, with 10 videos for £5, so I spent all the money you gave me on those.
STEW I gave you ten pounds.
RICH I gave the other fiver to an old crippled man in the street in return for this magic bean.
STEW Well we can’t watch football without beer and pizza.
RICH I don’t care I hate football.
STEW Sssh Rich, as 90s male comedians it is our job to pretend to like it. What videos have you got?
THEY GO THROUGH BAG
RICH Jeremy Clarkson’s Guide to Home Hysterectomy.
RICH Walt Disney’s Hercules, that costs £15 in Woolies
STEW That’s one of those videos packaged to look like a Disney film. That’s Walt Dinsey’s Hercules
RICH It’s still the same. Famous People’s Arses - a collection of video clips of the arses of famous people, presented by Adam Ay
STEW The video games reviewing child from Live and Kicking?
RICH Yes, and where they haven’t been able to get actual film, Adam Ay has drawn what he imagines the arses might look like.
RICH 6 copies of our disappointing 1995 live video
STEW We can get those for free.
RICH I know but it’s embarrassing seeing them in the shops for 50p.
Oh and I got this. It’s Carol Vordeman’s “The World’s Nine Most Frightening Monsters”.... Carol Vordeman.
STEW From the Persil advert
RICH Yes,... she introduces a look at the 9 most frightening monsters ever
RICH Yes, Carol Vorderman from the Persil advert (I know) introduces the NINE most frightening monsters in the world
STEW In whose opinion
RICH Hers, probably, she might have asked Richard Whiteley if he agreed, I don’t know it doesn’t say. Still it’ll be terrifying
STEW It’s only a U...... I can’t believe you spent our last 10 pounds a copy of a shoddy sell through video of Carol Vorderman’s Vault of Monsters and a bean.
RICH Well I did.
STEW Stick it on then.
RICH DOES SO. EATS HALF THE BEAN.
RICH Half a bean?
STEW Yeah, all right.
THE VIDEO BEGINS - NUMBER 9 ALIEN
MIKE GATTING You wonder who designs these things
STEW It is HR Geiger, the artist. He’s credited in enormous letters at the end of each alien film for having designed the alien. If this issue was really something that had been playing on Mike Gatting’s mind it would have been very easy for him to find out.
PAT CASH It’s a breeding machine. It’s almost indestructible, so therefore it can come and get you.
DAVE HOLMES The aliens’ head looks like a big cock
RICH I don’t know whose genitals Dave holmes has been looking at
STEW Aren’t your genitals like that Rich?
STEW Because everyone else’s are.
RICH What, with teeth inside them?
RICH Yes, mine are like that, yes, I meant they’re not full of acid and stuff like the alien
STEW Really? because everyone else’s are
RICH I mean they’re not in space in the future, with a mission to devour Sigourney Weaver.
RICH In a fight between an alien and a predator who do you think would win?
STEW That’s a pointless argument. They’re not real, and they are from different universes, the predator is individual, seeking the ultimate prey as a sport and the alien is really only interested in furthering its species and protecting its young. So they would probably never come to fight.
RICH I think the Alien would win. Definitely.
RICH Ancient greeks came up with some fantastical stories about mythical creatures. But remember the Greeks are always lying to make themselves look better than they are
STEW For example, Prince Phillip is a Greek and yet he managed to fool the Queen into marrying him by pretending to be the Duke of Edinburgh, which despite being the Athens of the North is in Scotland, not Greece.
The Cyclops shouldn’t be on this video. That isn’t one of the 9 most frightening monsters in the world
RICH It is Stew, it’s terrifying.
RICH It’s only got.... one eye.
STEW So what? Surely a monster with loads of eyes would be more frightening.
RICH No Stew, one eye is the most frightening. Less is more.
STEW No it isn’t, it is less. Literally. A cyclops would be useless, it would have no depth perception. The Cyclops, the most terrifying creature ever. Few lived to tell the tale of how it would bump into things and then apologise.
RICH In a fight between a Cyclops and an Alien who do you think would win.
STEW Definitely the alien. There’s no point in asking. The Cyclops would have no idea what hit it.
3 THE DALEKS
I wonder how long it’ll be before someone makes the joke
about Daleks not being able to get up stairs.
STEW The way Mike Gatting is talking there. It’s like he’s had personal experience of the Daleks
RICH Didn’t you know Stew. Mike Gatting’s entire family were killed by daleks when he was away playing cricket in India. It made all the papers at the time.
STEW It’s no wonder he harbors a grudge.
PAT CASH They’d chase you and stuff - daleks are like your parents
RICH That’s ridiculous. The daleks are nothing like my parents. Look, there’s mum, there’s dad.
RICH SHOWS FRAMED PICTURE OF HIMSELF WITH TWO DALEKS.
STEW That is an excellent joke Rich. You should be very proud of yourself
RICH Thank you. I am. My parents literally are daleks
STEW And how did they sire a human child
RICH Damn you, you saw through the tiny logical flaw in my joke. I was lying. They’re not daleks, they’re cybermen.
STEW Ha ha ha ha
RICH No Sea devils
STEW Shut up.
Ian Beale tells his joke
CUT TO RICH LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY AT THIS JOKE.
RICH They just have to go upstairs! Brilliant. Why aren’t you laughing Stew?
STEW Because Ian Beale’s highly original joke is wrong Rich. If ian Beale had only watched episode one of the 1988 Sylvester McCoy story REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS then he would have seen Dr Who trapped at the top of some stairs in a cellar and turning to see a Dalek floating up the stairs behind him, using a hover facility which was first revealed as long as ago as the 1960s in the comic TV21. Yet still, cartoonists, stand up comedians, the panelists of Channel 4’s comedy quiz show “Space Cadets” and Ian Beale continue to make this flawed joke. I did find Ian Beale’s comment amusing, but I was laughing at him, at his ignorance.
AGAIN AND AGAIN SHOWING OF THE JOKE..
RICH Who do you think would win in a fight between a Dalek and Ian Beale, Stew?
STEW The Dalek definitely. Because Ian Beale, in his smug ignorance, would think he was safe if he ran upstairs and the dalek would just hover up and kill him.
KING KONG mandy Smith - too many Bill Wyman jokes.
RICH I’ve seen King Kong stu. That’s a great film. It’s about this man who has this huge snake living in his trousers, and the snake goes around spitting at people. It’s terrifying
STEW No Rich, that isn’t King Kong....
RICH It’s hypocritical of Hollywood, making that film about a giant monkey trying to force himself on to a woman and say that’s entertainment, because when I gave in a script about a man, played by me, trying to force himself onto very small monkey they said people would find it distasteful
STEW Hold on. A script about what?
RICH About me getting off with a small monkey, a spider monkey. They said that was sick.
STEW Where do you get the idea for that?
RICH You know from observing things in life, me mainly.
STEW You’d be playing you, would the original monkey be playing the monkey
RICH No Stew. We’re not in touch anymore. I don’t want to talk about it. Move on.
KING KONG’S PARENTS / DINOSAURS OBSERVATION
RICH Godzilla is frightening Stew, but he isn’t as frightening as Leo Sayer. Look, Leo Sayer is so huge that he can hold Godzilla in one of his hands
STEW It’s a toy Godzilla
RICH Leo Sayer must be about 5 miles tall
STEW It’s a toy Godzilla.
RICH Run for the hills, Leo Sayer is coming.. He’ll probably crush a building with his foot, or something
STEW It’s a toy Godzilla. Leo Sayer is about 5 foot high. He is a very small man
STEW Listen Rich. It’s a toy Godzilla. You have misunderstood
RICH Is it? Well still.
FIGHT BETWEEN GIANT LEO SAYER AND MOTHRA
STEW Frankenstein’s monster. Just you watch. I bet you everyone will refer to the monster as a Frankenstein.
RICH That’s right. It’s a frank-ing-stein isn’t it. That is the correct pronunciation
STEW No Frankenstien (FRANKINGSTEIN)was the inventor not the monster
RICH And you never call the invention by the name of the creator do you?
RICH What’s this then? (HAS A HOOVER)
STEW That is Hoover’s Vacuum Cleaner. Hoover is the inventor
RICH What’s this? (Has a wellington)
STEW That is Wellington’s rubber shoe.
RICH What’s this? (HAS CHEESE SANDWICH)
STEW That is the Earl of sandwich’s cheese in bread snack. Sandwich is the inventor, not the snack
STEW Frankenstein’s getting loads of women. Why does Mike Gatting seem so vehement about that. It’s not something I would associate with the frankenstein monster.
RICH Don’t you know Stew. Mike Gatting’s wife left him for a Frankingstein. I’m surprised you don’t remember. It was in all the papers.
STEW It’s no wonder he harbors a grudge
RICH A lesser man would hate all monsters as a whole, but he only blames the monsters directly responsible.
STEW Mike Gatting is a fair man, and in no sense a racist.
Ian Beale - traditional
RICH In a tag team wrestling bout between a Frankingstein and a dalek on one side and a Cyclops and an Ian Beale on the other, who do you think would win?
STEW Do they have to obey the laws of wrestling?
STEW Under what circumstance would such a wrestling bout be set up.
RICH They have been captured by the Emporer Ming and given the chance to wrestle for their lives in an arena on the planet Mongo.
STEW Oh , Ok. Then it would be the Cyclops and ian Beale as they are both humanoid and thus have more chance of completing the necessary holds
TAKE PISS OUT OF MAN SAYING KRARKEN.
BUT WE CAN’T DECIDE HOW IT IS PRONOUNCED EITHER. WE ARGUE AD LIB ABOUT THE PRONOUNCIATION
ALSO WHEN HE SAYS WE DON’T KNOW WHAT IS UNDER THE SEA
STEW Well we do know what is under the sea. It is fish, sea mammals, crustaceans and amoebas and stuff. What kind of an expert is this bloke? He can’t even say Kraken.
RICH It’s Kraaaaaken
RICH Who do you think would win in a fight between a Krarken and a Cracken?
STEW Stop that now, it’s annoying.
ARGUE AD LIB
RICH Sea monsters are boring Stew, noone on this tape seems to be able to think of one, they’re all just saying what they think one might be like. That’s not scary. I tell you the most scary monster, the werewolf
STEW Yeah, that is quite scary
RICH Actually I used to be a werewolf, but I’m all right nooooooow
RICH I said, I used to be a werewolf,
STEW No I heard the first part, it was just the last word.
RICH but I’m all right noooooooow
STEW What ?
RICH Now. I’m all right now.
STEW Although I notice your lycanthropia does still manifest itself when there’s a word with an extended vowel at the end of a sentence. You make a kind of dog howling noise.
RICH Um yes.
STEW But I thought you said you were all right now.
RICH I am
STEW So why do you still make the noise
RICH It’s a joke
STEW Were you ever a werewolf?
STEW (SHOUT) Were you ever a werewolf?
STEW You make me sick.
STEW I could never get scared by Zombie films because it’s so unrealistic. Dead people don’t move around like that do they. They’re dead. Stillness is their main attribute.
RICH They do if you pass an electrical current through them.
STEW Electrical current ?
RICH You know if you wire up all their limbs with electrical wire and plug them into the mains, oh do they dance.
STEW The mains ?
RICH You have to take their clothes off first, because...er clothes do not conduct electricity.
STEW But dead bodies do?
STEW How do you know this ?
RICH Um, I read it in a book. I don’t do it. And anyone who says I do is lying. I mean where would I get the bodies from. It would cost a lot of money to bribe the bloke at Stoke newington Cemetry, about 600 quid a throw.
STEW That’s a very specific figure
RICH I would imagine that is how much it costs. I don’t know, the idea of stringing up dead bodies and making them dance, dance and jiggle around, holds no interest for me.
STEW You’ve got a lot of Zombie films at your house. Do you find them scary?
RICH Not scary exactly.
AD LIB MEDUSA
STEW The Medusa. That isn’t the most frightening monster. Carol Vorderman from the Persil advert is mad
RICH It is Stew, because the medusa is a woman, which is frightening enough on its own. Plus it’s got loads of snakes in its hair. Really poisonous ones. Like adders and stuff.
STEW It’s another Greek exaggeration Rich. The Medusa is probably just a slightly plain old woman, who had a worm thrown on her head at some point and then knocked it off with her hand.
STEW This tape is a travesty. The nine most frightening monsters. How dare Carol Vorderman make such a claim. I am appalled at the much more terrifying creatures that have been left off. The minotaur, The Fly, Grendle from Beowulf, Vampires, Triffids
STEW No, not them. I’m outraged.
TV Coming soon. Carol Vorderman’s 9 even more terrifying monsters, including the...
STEW Oh well that’s all right then. I take my objection back.
RICH Well Stew, we’ve seen some pretty terrifying monsters tonight, a dalek, a Kraaken (KRAKEN) a Frankingstein. (Frankenstein’s monster), Nancy Lam
STEW She wasn’t one of the monsters Rich
RICH Really. Well, and six other monsters which I’ve forgotten. but I’d ask you this question who is the worst monster of all, is it really the Medusa, the snake haired temptress thing or is it another monster, a monster responsible for some of the most despicable crimes of all time, the monster we call....man. Aaaaaaah!
STEW It’s the Medusa Rich. That’s the monster in that question.
RICH Oh yes it is, sorry. Shall we watch the Adam Ay arse thing now
STEW Yes I wanted to watch that one all along
RICH Really? Me too. I was just being polite. I hate monsters they’re rubbish
STEW Yes, famous people’s arses is what I like.