Lionel Nimrod's Inexplicable World
SERIES ONE, SHOW ONE - BROADCAST 8th October 1992 | "Monsters"
"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself......and, of course, monsters"
So says Lionel Nimrod as we're thrust for the first time into his Inexplicable World...
This first assignment for his team is to find out if monsters exist - and if they do, why do they only reveal themselves to people who are mad - or too stupid to operate a camera properly?
They cover The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot & The Elephant Man before turning their attention on the audience, Rich points out that the studio is full of real life, half-human monsters who he describes as "an horrific assault on all five senses".
Stew singles out one of the freaks in particular - Rich is hurt.
It is his dad. Initially, there is some confusion with an Aardvark-faced man, but it's soon apparent that Rich's dad is in fact, "The amazing jarred man of Somerset". Being - as he is - collection of organs in a jar.
A swift apology ties everything up, before the duo go on to look at the first monsters of all - the dinosaurs.
From one extreme to another, Rich has set up a satellite transmitter & receiver system & is trying to contact aliens. Based on the premise that all radio waves, once broadcast, continue to float around the ether forever, probability dictates that if there is an alien race out there with the ability to receive transmissions, they will at some point receive any broadcasts from earth.
Rich is hopeful that they receive his transmissions and make contact, but they've got to adhere to strict BBC rules!
For example, Stew's not allowed to say, "We Earthlings are the sworn enemies of all other life forms & declare space war on every alien of any kind..."
But he does, anyway.
Stew tells us what NASA have put in Voyager, their space probe. Rich has created a few additions and tells us about them, too.
Turning now to ancient Greek monsters, Stew looks at the story of Odysseus & Ian Cyclops, which can also be seen in the fist of fun book. Continuing the Greek theme, they turn their attention to Mermaids. Rich has captured Mermaid Daryl Hannah, star of the documentary film "Splash" and is keeping her in a tank. She's not impressed, and registers her disapproval by promptly dying. Perhaps Rich has confused the actress and the role she played...
Next up, Wendy Leafley introduce us to Adam & Tina Atwood, the Solihull vampires.
They explain their unusual lifestyle as nothing like the hollywood stereotype of vampires, they don't go around slaughtering unwilling virgins. No - they have a network of friends who help them collect blood which has been spilt by accident, by careless nasal hair clipping, for example.
(Alistair McGowan & Ronni Ancona would later recreate these parts as Adam & Tina Hartiman on TV's "Fist Of Fun".)
Rich is still trying to make contact with Aliens, to no avail, and so we turn our attention to the hidden land of the Pixie-folk. Here, we encounter Mrs Roddy & her daughter Victoria, who has been posessed by a changeling. follows - and Stew successfully lures it out with the promise of full-frontal male & female nudity, homophobia & ice-pick murders via a screening of "Basic Instinct".
Rich wonders if it's possible that Gnomes & other fairie folk are visitors from outer space stranded on our planet. Perhaps aliens have already visited the Earth? A quick sketch onboard an alien space craft then makes way for the debut outing for "Peter Fenn's Hammond Organ Believe-It-Or-Not" File.
Tapping away on his organ, Fenn tells us that if you're attacked by a chinese dragon - you needn't worry - as a chinese dragon is merely 12 Chinese people covered in a tissue paper canopy containing 12 Chinese people, who can easily be dispatched with a lance. Or gun.
So, this takes us to the end of the show, and as Stew concludes that aliens and the like don't actually exist he is interrupted by a broadcast from an alien space-craft. They've got Rich's message! And, predictably, have taken Stew's earlier comments out of context. All is not lost however, as they were so impressed with Rich's enclosed video of a man & two women having sex that they have decided to spare the earth from destruction!
Their parting shot, in response to Rich's question about the existence of Monsters, UFOs & Fairies, is that yes - they all exist! Apart from the Loch Ness Monster, which is just a wild duck.
Ah well, at least we need never be afraid to swim in Loch Ness again!