SERIES TWO, SHOW ONE - Broadcast 9th January 1995

"Doop" by Doop opens the show, the first of a new four-part series before making way for Nine Inch Nails (Nine Inch Nails are actually a fraud - there are only eight of them, and did you know that their lead singer recently spent all his money on footballs? This information is provided as always by The Chart Show)

This week's show includes all religious strife sorted out in sixty minutes, some of the funniest wind up calls ever to hit the British airwaves, Berkshire / International News, Fight Of My Life, Tramp Karaoke and cards for all occasions!

Richard Herring joins the regular posse this week, which also includes David Schnieder, Peter Baynham & Rebecca Front and makes his first appearance as Gerard Lee, the resident film critic - describing award-winning "Groundhog Day" as "absolute shite."

In an attempt to resolve all religious intolerance, the show have commandeered a flat in Halifax, and put a top Jew (Schneider), top Christian (Baynham) & top Muslim (Herring) in there together, allowing their microphones to document their progress. Their first problem is presented almost immediately - there are not enough rooms to go around. Not only that, but there's a Maths Teacher (Iannucci) there too! Where did he come from? Well, it seems that he's there to help with the rent. He's not religious in any way, so it's not too much of a problem. Still one room short though.....

Back to The Chart Show, commentating on "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Did you know that "The Edge" is not "The Edge"'s real name. His real name is "The Harrison", or that Bono's father is a cockerel?

Residential posse Mr Philip Dawsons of Ladbroke Grove is back again, and details his profession as a "Commercial Skater", fielding questions from the rest of the assembled guests, agreeing to do a topical ice routine for the end of the show. He's off to prepare for that now, meanwhile Armando brings us the news from Radio Berkshire, which seems to take on a more international tone than your average regional radio station.

Time now for Mary and the texture of walnuts. This bulletin gives way to Philip Dawsons, giving his opinion on the latest Torvill & Dean routine. It's his belief that their competition failure can be put down largely to the move in which Jayne Torvill pulled a dog out of her costume & shot it. That's simply not allowed in the rules. A short discussion on the subject follows before a bizarre re-working of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

Back now to the religious flat, they're having a house meeting,. The top Jew is not impressed with bacon being left on his shelf of the fridge, and the top Muslim is getting tired of having to pay for all of the toilet roll. The top Christian flips, and throws the other inhabitants out of the flat "This is my father's house, get out of my father's house!!!!".

Back now to resident critic Gerard Lee, who's singing the praises of Eric Idle's new film "Splitting Heirs". He thinks it's fantastic - and confirms his opinion that Idle is the best of the Pythons on his own.


"Armando Iannucci on 1FM - Imagine Johnny Walker jumping out of a cake..." says John Peel as the show returns from the news break with "Your Town" by Deacon Blue (who, according to The Chart Show, are completely orange.).

Returning now to the religious flat, they're arguing about what to watch on the television, when a bomb goes off in the bathroom injuring the maths teacher. On return to the studio, Armando treats us to more news from Radio Berkshire, before - without any announcement - playing a phoned in opinion from a homophobic religious nut who describes how homosexuals will burn in hell. A typical Radio Four listener, apparently. This leads, conveniently, into a discussion on the age of consent - and related speculation.

Tramp Karaoke is up next, Radio 1 have sponsored a tramp, who' been busy recording duets & trios with a number of major recording artists. There'll be an album out soon, and here's a cut from it. So, for the first time on british radio, here's "All For Love" by Bryan Adams, Sting, and a tramp. Cue some drunken caterwauling from Iannucci - in character as the tramp.

Van olympics now as Andy O'Hagan commentates from Sheffield. Certainly the most exciting Van Olympics he's seen in it's 300 year history. The most exciting event was probably the Van-o-thon, as hundred of transits struggled to complete the 26 mile drive from Rotherham to Sheffield in shorts. It's not warm out there!

Back to the studio, and further discussion on the legislation of Gay Sex, with the news that John Inman will be visiting schools, in much the same way that policemen used to, to help discuss gayness with students. Some spurious insults follow, which - in turn - gives way to "Fight Of Your Life" - recounting a listener's experience of a four-hour fight on board a cruise. Appropriately, REM's "Everybody Hurts" follows swiftly. The Chart Show team point out that Michael Stipe recently followed a lamb for over 40 miles, and that the band's drummer was born in the shape of a one pound coin.

The final visit to the religious flat brings the inhabitants to the conclusion that it would be much better if they all lived apart. In different flats, in different countries. And the muslim still owes 12pence for cheese.

Gerard Lee with the pick of the week's television is next, singing the praises of Absolutely Fabulous & Ben Elton before Armando closes with a megamix of "Let The Beat Control Your Body" by 2Unlimited, featuring all the contributors to the show. Sadly there's no time for the topical skating routine.