this morning with richard not judy
THIS MORNING WITH RICHARD NOT JUDY SERIES TWO, SHOW TWO - BROADCAST 28th March 1999 - WATCH ONLINE
SERIES TWO - SHOW 1 | SHOW 2 | SHOW 3 | SHOW 4 | SHOW 5 | SHOW 6 | SHOW 7 | SHOW 8 | SHOW 9 | SHOW 10 | BACK
Haven't as yet got the figures or duty log for the Friday repeat or show 2. That will be attached asap. Remember you can ring up the BBC after the show to say you enjoyed it, or to complain about the changing of the time by ringing 0181 743 8000 and asking for the TV duty log.
But the buzz is good and the BBC seem to have even been trailing us a bit which is nice! Tim Cooper from the Standard rang to tell us he never said "Lee Evans is like Norman Wisdom on acid". He said Lee Evans "has been described as Norman Wisdom on Acid" and apparently there's a difference!
This week's show:
1) Pre-sig - Rich's bra did not fly off properly in the actual show, though it was fine in rehearsal.
2) Space Cowboy - the guy who is supposed to record the show forgot to press record on his machine - we had to retake the opening at the end for the repeat (on Friday, at 7pm, not Thursday after all - we only found out when Stu was browsing through a listings mag in a newsagent, no-one bothered to tell us!). See if you can spot the difference. Led Rich to compare our show to Capricorn 1. It's all lies!
3) The Golden Joystick - This was actually the real one that I won 2 or 3 years ago. Very satisfying to see it smashed after being prized for so long. Couldn't help laughing though I was supposed to be upset.
4) Monkey ad lib - a whoop from the audience meant I had to ad lib about loving monkeys - nice to know there are others who love monkeys as much as me.
5) Chris Evans - I actually did see Chris Evans in the canteen this week - he wasn't eating monkeys though and he didn't know who I was clearly! Don't know if there'll be any fall out for saying muff on TV - don't think so. A muff is after all something you use to keep your hands warm (in either sense of the word!)
6) The audience were enjoying stuff so much and the smashing of the joystick took so long that we were already over running by a minute at this point. Hence our rushing a little - which I think just makes the show more exciting. We had to quickly bail out some material, like the Chris Evans camera being attracted to the 1918 Treaty of Brest - Litovsk!
7) Unusual Priest - Glad that we got the idea of God being jealous of Jesus into the show so early!
8) Stu looks like - any other offers? We had to cut some of these from later too. We've already had Michael French from EastEnders and that Time travelling programme (which I'd noticed too) We may do more next week!
9) Lettuces - a couple of you are confused by these, but most of you like them. We write scripts in English for the actors to work off (Stu - dad, Emma - mum, Rich - girl, Paul - rabbit/carrot) Here's the scripts for week 1 and 2:
Week 1 - UNFAITHFUL WITH LETTUCE
MUSIC. TITLES. LIVING ROOM. DAD LETTUCE COMES IN. DAD Evening dear. I'm home.
CANNED LAUGHTER . NO ANSWER. PAUSE.
DAD Oh. That's odd.
HE OPENS BEDROOM DOOR. SCREAM. MUM LETTUCE IN BED WITH ANOTHER LETTUCE. CANNED LAUGHTER
MUM George! I can explain!
MAN I'll get my coat.
CANNED LAUGHTER. DAD FAINTS. CANNED LAUGHTER CREDITS ETC...
Week 2 - BOYFRIEND
THEME. TITLES. INT. 1950'S COUNCIL HOUSE BROWN SOFA TYPE ROOM. 2 LETTUCE LEAVES, MUM & DAD ON SOFA.
MUM Don't forget George, Emmy's bringing her new boyfriend home tonight, so just you be nice to him.
DAD Really Alice, when have I ever been anything less than charming.
EMMY (off) We're here Mum!
MUM That'll be them. Smarten up.
DAD Don't worry.
CANNED LAUGHTER DOOR OPENS. A LETTUCE LEAF POKES ROUND.
EMMY Hello Mum, Dad, this is David.
A RABBIT COMES ROUND THE DOOR.
RABBIT Evening Mr & Mrs Lettuce.
MUM & DAD Oh my God!
CANNED LAUGHTER. LEAVES FALL OFF SOFA. CANNED LAUGHTER. GIRL LEAF CRIES. MUSIC CREDITS.
10) Countdown - for time had to drop some gags about Carol Vordemann but will do them again soon I suspect! We really did meet Richard Whiteley at our charity gig in Basingstoke (and we were on his chat show in Edinburgh) - we did loads of jokes about him which according to Rory Bremner (honestly) made his face drop when he heard them (though I suspect Bremner concocted the story to show off his Whiteley impression).
11) Aims - the attack on the GQ slags is gaining impetus. Glad you are enjoying that so much. We asked Gail Porter to be in one of our sketches (slagging her off a bit) but she refused so we're going to use a cardboard cut out instead!
12) Magrath - thanks to the letters we've had detailing encounters with the hairy molestor which we can't include on this page for legal reasons!
13) Alternative Comedy - could have done with a bit of an idiot, but nonetheless a great performance by the Boy Eldon. The audience (in the sketch) found the performance particularly funny as one of Kev's testicles had popped out of his costume without him knowing (oh the ironies on irony!).
14) Trevor and Nathalie - there was some genuine concern about our breaching the Oscar copyright hence my sung retraction! Nice to say the phrase golden shower twice, just in case you hadn't understood my clever joke! We had to cut a line about Lyle's Golden syrup being invented by Lyle Lovett because we were really over running! Nice to see Trev getting a bit cheeky! And we both enjoyed laughing at the shit Ferrero Rocher joke. For anyone who missed show 1 enjoy the on acid comments and the Mr Grimsdale on a surreal level!
15) Unusual Priest - Solomon. The priest's misogyny coming to the fore.
16) Kings of the show - Adam was the only mailed entry we got on time (the saliva gag) that was approaching being any good. The other two contestants were plucked from the audience. Tim was a great winner and the name King Satan should hopefully stick - due to over- running we did not have time to return to him which was a shame as he seemed quite funny! Hope you enjoyed my joke about Nathalie's beard!
17) 28 years old - bound to become a repeated catchphrase. We were worried this routine might be a bit "in" for non-comedians though it went pretty well, especially the re-incorporation. Our original script for Rich's joke in the pram was "I remember sitting in my pram, my father was changing my dirty nappy, there was fecal matter all down my fat little legs and on my hairless scrotum." Etc. Jon Plowman the executive producer made us change this. I think what we said on air was actually funnier anyway!
18) Food and Milk - one of the weakest of these I think as it does not include an actual animal. Part of the joke is that they're meant to be rubbish so that Stu can slag me off afterwards. The original plan was for Pace from Hale and Pace to come on and do the last in the series, but he refused. Here is the script for that and the letter I wrote to Pace to try and convince him to do it. It's a shame he said no as I think if he had participated it would have turned the joke on us!
PACE FROM HALE AND PACE IS PUTTING A CAT IN A MICROWAVE.
PACE Hi. It's me, Pace from Hale and Pace. You just caught me preparing some nice warm milk for bed time. (HE PRESSES BUTTONS) A cat this size needs 2 minutes at full heat, for a glass of sweet milk which will ....
RICH ENTERS BEFORE PACE CAN START THE OVEN
RICH Pace! What are you doing here?
PACE I'm doing the Food and Milk slot this week.
RICH No, I do the food and milk slot.... Oh I get it. Stu's put you up to this hasn't he?
PACE No, I, Pace, thought of it myself
RICH He's trying to say we're the same. Well I am not Pace. I am better than you
PACE No you're the same as me. Except with less viewers and less money
RICH No my stuff is better than yours.
PACE Me and Hale were doing stuff about being cruel to animals while you were still in short trousers
RICH But my stuff's clever. It's post-modern
PACE Post modern!
RICH You see you don't have the intelligence to do exactly the same routines as you always do, but with an unspoken degree of irony
PACE You are the same as me. Look Rich. Look in the mirror.
RICH LOOKS IN THE MIRROR. PACE'S FACE IS IN IT. HE HAS PACE'S FACE
PACE (V/O WITH RICH LIP SYNCING. IE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RICH BUT HIS FACE HAS CHANGED) Ah! Pace's face. I've got Pace's face. I am turning into Pace. Nooooooooooooo!
THE REAL PACE IS LAUGHING LIKE A MAD MAN
PACE You are the same as me. You are the same.
PACE (WITH TEST TUBE OF MILKY SUBSTANCE) Would you like to drink some of my milk Rich? Enjoy your milk!
CAPTION Warning - Placing a cat in a microwave is the kind of stupid activity that can lead to a 20 year TV comedy career and lucrative sales in the USA. It will also cause a horrible mess in your microwave which may taint other food which will be prepared in it later.
Letter to Pace
NORMAN PACE - THE BASIC IDEA!
The joke of this piece is really at Lee and Herring's expense, exposing the pretension in their act, by them being disparaging to Hale and Pace. It revolves around the idea that becoming Hale and Pace would be the worst thing that could happen to them. It seems to us that Hale and Pace have a healthy sense of humour about themselves and would thus understand the joke without being insulted!
Throughout the series Hale and Pace (and all other comedians) will be referred to only by their surnames, which is why Norman calls himself only Pace in the sketch.
Essentially the idea is that each week Richard Herring is doing a filmed slot about drinking different animal's milk (please see scripts enclosed). These will involve some broad humour involving some cruelty to (fake) animals. After each sketch, back in the studio, Stewart Lee will feign disgust at the sketch, thinking it is comedically beneath the Lee and Herring show. He will say the idea is like a Hale and Pace sketch (because of the animal cruelty). This will be regarded as insulting to Rich who would like to think of himself at the forefront of late 90s cutting edge comedy. Rich will argue that it is much better and cleverer than Hale and Pace and is post modern. During the series the insults will get worse. Stu will call the sketches equivalent of the worst idea that Hale and Pace ever had, and that they would have rejected. There will also be some suggestion from Stewart that Hale is the more talented of the duo and thus his equivalent, while Pace and Rich are similarly being carried by their double act partner.
Thus the final sketch, in which Pace replaces Rich, Rich is angry and suspicious that Stu has set this all up. Hopefully the sketch gives Pace a chance to get his own back for the weeks of insults and make Rich and Stu, but especially Rich, look stupid.
The joke might be taken further by cutting back to the studio, where Stu has been replaced by Hale.
This is an affectionate piss take in which Rich and Stu will come off worse than Gareth and Norman!
If the guys are agreeable to this it would be fantastic. We would also be interested in including Pace or both Hale and Pace in another of our strands, a parody of "The History of Alternative Comedy". In the actual programme we were both impressed by the fact that only Hale and Pace seemed not to take themselves incredibly and pretentiously seriously. Our sketches are about comedians doing awful acts in the late 70s and then talking about them today as if they were world changing and amazing. If the guys are conducive it would be great if they were prepared to come on and talk about one of their lighter, early routines and discuss it today (very seriously) as if it had completely changed the world. We can send them copies of some of the ones we've done to demonstrate what we're up to.
19) Owl Sex - based on a routine we developed on tour (that was actually significantly more offensive than this) We're trying to get a quote (or near quote) from Ice T into this each week! Again a few cuts due to time. We were way over at this point!
20) Curious Orange - many of you are e mailing to say you are scared of the orange. Well you don't have to stand next to him! Stu had no idea what was going on behind him as we just ad libbed this big fruit fight. Hope you could see it on the telly, it was terrifying! Look out for the orange's outrages in coming weeks (this week's studio audience have had a preview of one of them. You'll see it in show 3!
21) Trainspotting - Stewart also looks like Ewan Macgregor! The hotel is the same location used in the film, though we didn't use the bridge as in the film, we filmed it in a mews by the hotel! Hope you liked the authentic "blue" heroin!
22) Lung fairy - this is one of my favourite routines that we have ever done. I love the re-incorporation of the 28 years old. I can say that because Stu pretty much wrote the whole thing on his own. I think this shows how we often end up writing stuff for the other one to do as Stu gets most of the feeds in this. But I think it's still a great bit of double act material as the things like his query "dressed-up?" are what makes it really special. I can't believe it is so easy to trick people into not seeing a joke coming that you have just had the audacity to explain at great length some 10 minutes earlier. That's what I love about it.
23) When Things Fall Over - Another brilliant performance from Kev, who is playing the character as if he has asthma! Again Stu wrote all of these and there is a great story going through them all. We're filming some more this week to make up for the ones we've lost due to Rod Hull's death. It was great that Kev had more to do this week, but we're also bringing back Simon Quinlank to replace the Rod Hull stuff so Fist of Fun fans will be happy/annoyed (delete as applicable!)
24) Nostradamus - I think now you can see where this is going that it's going to be really good fun. Emma is brilliant in this role and it's such good fun to do. The final prediction are always real (or adapted real) predictions of Nostradamus himself. Will he ever win the barbecue? Will David Collins start attacking Stu? You'll have to wait and find out. Do let us know if you spot anything that shows Nostradamus was right in his predictions for a fortnight, namely
Prediction 1 - A female children's TV presenter will appear in a men's magazine in her bra and pants in an attempt to promote her career.
Prediction 2 - York City will loose 3-1 to Chesterfield next Saturday.
Prediction 3 - The voice of the unusual bird will be heard in the pipe of the breathing floor, and men shall celebrate Thursday as their feast day.
25) Histor - it was nice to have so many over lapping themes in this week's show. I doubt we'll manage as anything as complicated in any of the others though having a lot of the material written in advance has really helped this. It was such a bizarre week for Histor that we had intended to have Stu saying "And that sketch has been broadcast as a punishment to any young people watching who were out last night at a young person's rave club event and have just got back home and turned on their TV sets to try and relax" Stu played the voice of Tony Blairs Hitler.
26) Corrshrine - a familiar idea for fans of FOF series 1. Did you spot the pictures of Julia Sawalha amongst those of the Corrs? Look out for more references to the Mancor.
27) Unusual Priest - Nothing to say about this one.
28) End - You should have seen the end we wanted to do! In fact I'll put the script in. No-one questioned it at all and it was actually (unusually) me who finally voiced the fact that I didn't think we could do it on Friday -hence a swift and less offensive re-write. Here's the original end:
ITEM 29 STUDIO LIVE DENOUEMENT -
RICH Well that's pretty much the end of the show
STEW Thanks for watching if you want to write to us, here's our address.
RICH Or you can e mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org
STEW Or visit our web non BBC page run by dungeon master Rob Sedgebeer which can be accessed via this address....
ALL THE ADDRESSES ON SCREEN. THE TESTICLE FAIRY ENTERS. IT IS AN OLD SOMERSET MAN DRESSED AS A FAIRY, WITH A STRING OF GRISTLY SPHERES ON A STRING ROUND HIS NECK. HE HAS GIANT CHARITY CHEQUE BEHIND HIS BACK FOR 15 PENCE MADE PAYABLE TO RICHARD HERRING FROM FAIRY LAND BANK. SIGNED BY IAN TESTICLE FAIRY. START RUNNING CREDITS AS REQ DURING THIS BIT.
FAIRY Excuse me Rich.
RICH Stu, it's the testicle fairy. You do exist.
FAIRY That's right Rich. I heard you talking about me and I realised I never paid you for that gourd of yours. So here's a cheque for 15 new pence.
RICH Oh thanks testicle fairy. I knew you were real. I knew it.
FAIRY Of course Rich. As long as you believe in me I will exist. You don't fancy selling me the other one do you? It'll be 20p at 1999 prices.
RICH Well I don't know
STU Oh go on. It's not like you ever use it.
RICH OK, I will. I'll be back in a moment
RICH EXITS. A QUIET VERSION OF THE MUSIC PLAYS AND STU TALKS TO FAIRY OVER.
FAIRY Oh hello, it's Sydney Poitier isn't it.
STU No. Well Mr Herring, that's quite a disguise.
FAIRY I don't know what you're talking about.
STU C'mon, it's obviously you.
FAIRY All right, it's true. Don't tell Rich. I don't want to spoil the magical illusion.
STEW What did you do with all his organs?
FAIRY That's the sweet part, me and Barbara
STU Old Bobby Robson face?
FAIRY Yes. We sold them to the third world for £2000 a shot.
STU What even the testicle?
STU For transplant?
FAIRY No, it went to a private collector
ITEM 30 END TITLE BIT
THEME TUNE. EVERYBODY WAVING. RICH COMES ON WITH A MEATBALL IN HIS HAND, TO GIVE TO THE FAIRY. AS HE WALKS PAST THE ORANGE, THE ORANGE LUNGES FOR IT, AND IT GOES IN HIS MOUTH SOMEHOW. C/U ON HAND HELD CAM PERHAPS OF ORANGE EATING MEATBALL. RICH LOOKING SHOCKED. FAIRY LAUGHING ETC.
I don't think an orange eating a testicle is suitable viewing for any time of the day.
The props guys had also come up with some rather realistic looking scrotums to be hung round the fairy's neck which we felt were too graphic (and in any case we wanted meatball like bits of gristle - the actual testis) so we had to improvise with dates which had been in a basket of fruit we'd been given by the BBC!
The actor playing the testicle fairy was called Kieran (apologies if that's mis-spelt)
He is appearing in the play the Weir at the moment. We thought it would have been funny if there had been an "Ian Lavender is currently appearing in Run For your Wife" style announcement at the end "The Testicle Fairy is currently appearing in The Weir"
We were pretty pleased overall. Let us know what you think!