That Was Then,This Is Now
SERIES THREE Show Five - Broadcast 10th January 2008
Welcome back to TWTTIN, and Rich begins this week's show by quoting Marge Simpson, who tells us that "history is like a funfair - except instead of rides, there are dates to remember".
Well, if life is like a funfair - then Herring himself is the bloke that runs the dodgems, and will let you on for free, if he can cop a feel behind the candy floss stall.
And providing the musical accompaniment on the ever spinning carousel of life is Christian Reilly & The Diet Of Worms
Rich tells Christian that he was intending to do something this week, but he's forgotten what it was. Of course, Christian can't remember what it might be, but Rich is getting old and is losing his mind!
Christian tries to console him - half heartedly - with the adage, "You're only as old as the woman you feel"
But Rich is married to Emma Kennedy, and she's 40 too, and in any case, it's not that sort of marriage.
Hang on - the thing he was trying to remember involved Emma, didn't it? Christian tries to distract him, and changes the subject. And while Rich laments his fading youth, he tells us that on the 11th Jan 1787 - William Hershel - who had previously discovered Uranus, discovered two moons around it, which he named Oberon & Titania
This leads into a sketch on the puerile naming of planets, starting with Uranus & ending in Mygiganticnob
Sad news for fans of Iceland, last year on 7th Jan - Magnus Magnusson died.
He'd started, so it was inevitable that one day he'd finish.
This sad piece of news serves as an introduction for the next guest, Mastermind buzzer man Ian Norman
The chat starts off amiably enough, but soon Ian reveals that he hated Magnusson.
Shocked, Richard demands more information - apparently, Icelandic Magnusson (who grew up in Scotland) was a traitor to Iceland, for using a Scottish naming convention.
His revenge for this "indiscretion" was to make sure that the buzzer went off halfway through Magnusson's questions. hence Magnusson's famous "I've started so I'll finish".
He made him pay for his incorrect name! He's now doing the same for John Humphries, as he hates him too.
And on the 10th Jan 1994 - Lorena Bobbit's trial for cutting off her husband's penis started
She should be chastised for the indiscriminate fly tipping of dismembered genitalia. It should be discouraged - it can only attract rats.
Weirdly, Lorena became something of a hero to annoyed women & her husband John became a celebrity, performing in a couple of porn films, before being imprisoned for beating his second wife - clearly having learned nothing from Lorena's actions.
Christian & the band return at this point to tell us that on 11th Jan 1992 - Paul Simon became the first international star to perform in South Africa after a UN Cultural boycott over Apartheid.
In recognition of this, they perform their Apartheid song - "Ivory & Ivory"
19th Jan 1869 - was the birthday of Grigori Rasputin. according to Boney M - he was the lover of the Russian Queen, and remember in his day - it wasn't that easy to shag a member of the royal family.
Rasputin's death became a thing of legend. His enemies tried to kill him a number of times but he outwitted them on many occasions, and here's a sketch to describe "What Reeeaaalllly Happened" to Rasputin, detailing assasination attempts on his life & featuring various Boney M references.
TVs Emma Kennedy from "I love the 1980s" is back again with more Births Deaths & Marriages:
BIRTH - 6th January - Jesus (yes, that's right....)
DEATH - 6th Jan 1796 - Katherine The Great Of Russia - rumour has it she was crushed by a horse
MARRIAGE - 6th Jan 1540 - Henry 8th + Anne Of Cleves
Rich brings her up on her vendetta against Camilla Parker-Bowles after an unprecedented two Horse gags in this week's slot, and - oh, that was the thing Rich had nearly forgotten - its time for Emma's beheading!
Christian pops up again at an opportune moment, can't we postpone until next week again? It's nearly the end of the show...
As the executioner readies himself, Emma tells Rich that she cannot be beheaded, she going to have his baby!
Although, it seems like a it's a virgin birth - kind of - so the child is the new Jesus! (although it is heavily implied that he has a father, a musical one... who could it possibly be?)
But there has to be a beheading - the axeman is contractually obliged - so Ian Norman is placed on the block for his crimes against Magnus Magnusson. As the axe comes down, the show comes to a close.