A week off made doing the show seem strangely alien. Like everyone had forgotten what they were meant to do. But it seemed to come out OK. Personally I think Braveheart and Bible hero Ian are the funniest sketches of their strands so far. But Quinlank and milk were pretty much the worst. Just my opinion.

We got an astonishing 0.7 million viewers, but we'll have to wait til Friday's figures to see if people are just watching on Sunday instead. The Friday figures are giving the BBC concern as they hoped we'd do better. We all know the answer though - if they put us on at a regular time, trailed the show and didn't have weeks off it might have a chance to build up a following. Or perhaps there are only 2 million people in the country who like us and we'll never get more than that.

Your mails are a great comfort and Rob is organising some BBC address you can mail about getting a new series. Please use this sensibly.

Haven't heard any notable complaints about the show yet. I suspect it was the usual.

Anyway, here's a rundown of the show:

1) h&p@bbc - a dig at Hale and Pace and ourselves too. Unfortunately we went slightly wrong on the script (over arguing who was Hale and who Pace) but it didn't matter too much. We used the same joke that we made about Days Like These deliberately.

2) I'm the funk soul brother - David is really my brother. And he's a civil servant, who isn't very funky.

3) Rich Thomas - it amused as greatly that RT had to spend about 2 hours in make up to be made to look like Darth Maul, for a joke that would las t 3 or 4 seconds. He looked amazing, so well done to our make up ladies Izzy and Kate.

4) Stu's taxi driver - the argument that Stu had with the taxi driver is all genuine (though it happened a couple of months ago in reality). "You can prove anything with facts" is such a great catchphrase, so thanks to the stupid, homophobic cabby for his unwitting contribution!

5) Unusual Priest: vanity, vanity, all is vanity - I may be wrong, but I think we recorded this for the first series and the sound of it was heard in a cock up whilst the Organ Gang was in vision. Anyway we recorded it again for this series.

6) Breast-feeding week - I thought the "Where do you stand on breast feeding?" joke was one of the worst things I've ever written. I think Stu pretended to like it to make me look stupid. But it went OK. Better than the Ip-cress machine joke anyway! And a great excuse for another Gail Porter joke.

7) Gary Barlow - some material we wrote back in March that suddenly came back into the news last week, which was fortuitous. If you look at the script of the show there were a few lines cut (though in the script it's much later than in the show). We had cut the whole thing and then put it back in as this item was a bit too short

8) Braveheart - my favourite extra final scene so far. We filmed it on our week off (so it was hot off the editing machine). We shot the whole thing in a graveyard near the BBC (we also shot another extra final scene that needed a graveyard - see next week's show) At one point an odd man was hanging around. He started talking to Emma who thought he was one of the crew and he took her off "to look at the flowers". Luckily she was saved by other vigilant members of the crew.

You will no doubt have spotted the 2 Jimmies from the History of Alt Com (Paul Blair and Matthew Pidgeon) reprising their roles. The executioner with the bag on his head was Ivanhoe (who was also inside David Collins and the red faced fruit at the end) - we are trying to give him as many roles as possible where his face is obliterated!

Stewart was wearing the actual costume that the character he was playing wore in the film!

During one take on the torture table, my kilt blew up revealing my pants to the world. Look out for this on an Auntie's Bloomers or something.

Did you spot the guard who in one shot is behind the crowd and the next is behind the executioner - budget restrictions starting to show!

No complaints from the Scotch (sic) people about the sketch - I think it's obvious that Mel Gibson is the target.

9) Scotch material - once again we know that Scotch is a drink and Scottish people are Scots or Scottish. It's a joke (especially used when people are trying to look sympathetic to the nationalist cause. Cf the 2 jimmies).

10) Dave Prowse - again the facts were true in this segment. And I have been informed that Carrie Fisher tells the Dave Prowse "Oi don't know why that wars" story too. We cut a bit for time which went like this:
RICH I saw Dave Prowse...

STEW Dave Darth Vader Prowse. Call him by his name.

RICH Yes, I saw him interviewed in the paper and he says Darth Vader was all down to him, - he invented the Darth Vader walk and the Darth Vader stare, everything.

STEW What stare? He had a mask on.

RICH It was still a good stare Stew. Beneath the mask..

STEW And there wasn't a special walk, he just walked like a normal bloke.

RICH Aaaah - but there was a special walk Stu.

STEW There wasn't a special walk. No way.

RICH There was. It was Darth Vader's special frightening Darth Vader walk. It was like this.


STEW That's not very frightening.

RICH Not now Stew, but you have to remember, Star Wars came out in the 70's. Audiences weren't so jaded back then.

STEW Did Dave Prowse invent the Darth Vader breathing as well. That was frightening.

11) Quinlank: audience cleansing - there was something not quite right about this and I think it was the script (which I wrote). It was maybe just a bit complicated for the rushed way we had to film it. If you were sharp eyed you might have noticed that Kev had redubbed a lot of the dialogue (which had been badly recorded). He did this incredibly well. He was not happy with his performance over all in this one, but I think he's wrong. He was good. The script originally appeared in a tour programme and I think it was better as one to read than one to see. It wasn't helped by the rather odd audience shots. They had clearly been told to ignore SQ, but it just looked strange and I think it would have been better if they'd been laughing at him (hence his line "I wonder if you'll be laughing at me when you're intestines are eating themsleves") Having said that a lot of you seemed to enjoy it. We had to do these in such a rush (generally with students doing the camera work) so it's amazing they've turned out as well as they have. Which is a testament to the perfectionist actor Kevin Eldon.

12) King of the Show - never mock science fiction my friends. We got more complaining e mails about this than almost any subject! We both like Star Wars but are able to see its defects too. And the Ewoks were terrible!... Nathalie got to speak, but in a stupid accent. She was crying with laughter at the way she looked, partly because someone she hoped to impress was watching. She's a good sport! Again there was more stuff with Trev that we had to lose, but the script is in the rehearsal script. The song we sang when we were old comes from "Galactic Nightmare", a war of the worlds style rock opera written by some bloke in a bed sit. Get hold of a copy if you can. We used to try and listen to it all the way through once every tour, but it sent us mad. It is not available in the shops, but I bet you'll find it somewhere on the internet!

13) Histor - oh yeah and I think this was the weakest Histor too, though there were a couple of great moments. It was more of a supportive gesture to anyone doing exams at the moment. Good luck everyone (egg-ry-hen, I hate hens). Due to the way we filmed the Histors it has ended up not progresing in the way we intended (ie Pliny getting more and more annoying, Histor getting more and more annoyed) Ideally the St George one would have come later (or at least the mistreatment of Pliny). Pliny gets away scot free in this one, but never mind.

14) Cress shrine - thanks to everyone who sent in cress photos etc. The lads from Malvern were actually two of the nicest people we've had as king and to be honest the clip we showed was not the best thing they sent us, but it was the shortest and most TV friendly. They did a great Gay Exchange parody which was just a bit too rude. We were also very impressed by the editing and choice of shots. Those 2 guys will go far, but I've already forgotten their names! Sorry!

15) Whale Milk - weak. I think. Except for the milk of Magnus Magnusson line which I ad libbed on the day. The ones for shows 9 and 10 are good though. There are a couple of these which I find genuinely embarrassing, rather than being funny for being a bit crap. Maybe I'm being harsh on myself. No I'm not. This sketch was shit.

16) Lazy Comedy Slags - and that was just the teachers...aaah..... This one was as funny for Stu's cock up, as for the idea itself. Porn mogs indeed! We have deliberately made these skits formulaic as a joke against ourselves, for all of our pretensions we are no better than other comics( especially when we use the punch lines ourselves). In the original script Stu expressed concern that if I did understand the "that was just the teachers" formula that would in itself go against the "lazy comedy slags" formula and mess things up.We cut it cos it slowed things down. Maybe it was just too post modern!

17) Tom Parker-Bowles - the reaction of our studio audience showed that the concept of TPB influencing anyone to take drugs is ridiculous. If anything it's people like him who show cocaine up for what it is, a tosser's drug. It turns tossers into even bigger tossers, and if you want to be like me, don't take drugs! Oh all right if you don't want to end up like TPB don't take drugs. My supposed (and in fact genuine) ignorance about drugs is demonstrated by the way I talk about it "3 cocaines, 7 cannabises" etc. We used to do this on the radio series and I'm glad we're doing it again, cos I always thought it was funny (the character of RH trying to show off about being worldly wise, whilst all the time revealing his ignorance).

The bloke (Rich) who I chucked sherbet in the face of had not been warned that he would be picked on, or what would happen. I think he was a bit annoyed, but we invited him backstage after and gave him some old scripts and stuff (and a new shirt!) and he seemed happy about it in the end!

18) Curious alien and Robbie W - we filmed this in the Riverside café (and outside) on Thursday. Funnily enough I found it really embarrassing doing it in front of 20 people, despite the fact that it goes out to 2 million every week. In each shot the alien destroyed everything, but we felt it worked better if it all looked romantic. Emma becomes very naughty when she's the alien and is very unpredictable. The stomach that the alien came out of was an identical copy of my own stomach. Stu's whiskey and sandwich gag was a tribute to the sit-coms of yesteryear, when something unbelievable would happen in front of a drunk tramp, who would then either throw away the bottle, or the sandwich. We wrote a sketch about it called "Ashley Hilarious" at university. It was shit.

19) When Things Fall over - when I first saw this I cried with laughter. It is probably the best one of these so far. Just the extent that Kev goes to emphasis that Paul's character is mental. What can you say except, great performances by everyone, great script by Stew.

20) Prince William doll - we had planned another TPB/William bit, but it got cut as well (we wrote so much stuff this week). Here it is anyway

RICH Yes your majesty this is Andrea. These are the ugly Corrs.....

STU Showing Prince Willian your shrine to the Corrs Rich

RICH My Corrs-shrine. Call it by it's name. You're deliberately getting that wrong to enrage me.

STU What have you done to the bloke from the Corrs in all the pictures.

RICH The Mancorr Stu, call him by his name.

STU Don't call him that. You make him sound lie some kind of Ray harryhausen monster.

RICH That's what he is Stu, a horrible monster guarding over Andrea Corr and her two gorgon headed sisters. And he who shall slay the Mancorr can expect Andrea to show her gratitude in her own special way.

STU Do you think it's fair to say that you have lost touch with reality.

RICH They said King George the third

STU He had. He had. He thought a tree was the King of Prussia..

RICH Sssh, not in front of his greatgreat great great grandson.

STU You've replaced all the pictures of the bloke... the Mancorr with pictures of Tom Parker Bowles.

R I just think the Corrs would be better with someone like TPB in them, I'm not idolising him

S Rich, I thought you liked R Williams.

R No Stew. Since my tattoo of RW got exploded I thought I turn over a new leaf.

S Let's see it then.


you're saying you don't idolise TPB, but you're dealing in sherbet, throwing sherbet into the face of an effigy of PW


S You've changed your name to a double barrelled surname like TPB's, and you've replaced your tattoo of RW with a tattoo of TPB coupled with the phrase I idolise TPB and want to be exactly like him.

R Yeah, but Still

S Stop saying still to try and win arguments

R Still

S Saying it etc.
21) Nostradamus - This was such fun. We wish we'd thought of taking Nosty off the horse sooner. He could be like a little elf sitting on top of the set and so on. Well we'll see. Emma ad libbed her basic instinct line in rehearsal, though it got a bit swamped by laughter in the studio. Ivanhoe who was inside David Collins (not the first time he's entered a horse..boom boom) could only see the floor and was attempting to follow the pattern of it. In rehearsal he crashed into the closed doors twice and nearly careered into RT's expensive electronic keyboards. As it was his prat falls on the live version were just as funny. What will happen next week? No man knows the answer, except for Nostradamus...but is he a man? Did you spot Prince William enjoying some blue heroin with Nathalie? Andy Mackay reprised his role as the mad scientist - the easiest money he's ever made.

22) History of Alt-Com - Unbelievably long (but that's what's funny about it, I think). Didn't you find the veg audience a bit spooky. Kev did the voice of Ian Lettuce. If you hadn't seen the show before I guess this didn't make much sense. Even if you had, it was still confusing. What a waste of people's licence fees!

23) Shepherd king - C'mon, one of you must know a shepherd. No decent entries yet. We're serious, all you have to do is bring a real shepherd into the studio and you could be king - or queen.

24) Gail Porter's stunt, I said stunt. I know I heard you clearly. Well we couldn't really ignore her could we after that clock stunt. I said clock stunt. It's like every week she raises the stakes. But the public is turning against her. Even Kelly Brook had a go apparently (put your clothes back on) which seems a bit ironic.

25) Breast feeding - I got into trouble in the dress rehearsal for constantly fondling the breasts. I don't know how you girls resist doing that to yourself. It's brill having breasts. I was proud of my triple whammy lazy comedy slag joke too!

26) Orange - the first part of the sketch was an homage to the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which is one of those terrifying childhood images that never leaves you. Kev captured the child catcher perfectly as usual. The idea of the orange being excited by lollipops also amuses me. The line "Hey, Mister Man" is in the original.

Where is love, of course comes from Oliver. Will the orange ever return? Well Paul's sit-com has finished filming now, but that does not necessarily mean he will!

Thanks for all your comments. Do keep the e mails coming in! Thanks for all your support. You don't know how much it helps!

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